How To Write a Eulogy for Someone With A Complicated Life

When I tell people I write eulogies for a living, most display a combination of surprise and confusion, but many others often sigh with relief. They imagine (as I did when I first started PostScript) I spend my days memorialising kindly grandparents, beloved teachers and selfless volunteers; people whose legacies are neatly packaged in goodwill and warm memories. But the truth is, a lot of my clients aren’t mourning saints. They are mourning human beings, and human beings, as we all know, are gloriously, devastatingly complicated.

Over the years, I have written eulogies for an array of circumstances, including war veterans with secret second families, for brilliant artists who died bankrupt and alone, for mothers who struggled with addiction, and for fathers who walked out the door and never came back, until they turned up, thirty years later, asking for forgiveness.

These are the kind of stories that keep many families up at night before the funeral. Not the logistics of the coffin, the wake or the flower arrangements, but the gnawing question of How do I stand up in front of these people and tell the truth without destroying the memory?

Photo by Imkara Visual on Unsplash

If you are reading this, chances are you are likely in that very spot. You are grieving, yes, but you are also wrestling. I imagine you are trying to reconcile the person you loved with the person who caused you (and possibly others) pain. You are probably afraid of whitewashing their life, but equally afraid of airing dirty laundry in a church or a crematorium surrounded by loved ones who may not know anything about that.

With this blog, which I've separated into parts to make it easier for you, I wanted to guide you through this difficult journey. In my professional opinion, writing a eulogy for a complicated life is not about simply choosing between honesty and kindness. It is about finding the grace that lives in the tension between the two. Let's talk about it.

A Eulogy for A Complicated Life: My Six-Part Guide

Part 1 - What Does a "Complicated Life" Actually Mean?

Before we talk about the writing, I think we need to define our terms so we're on the same (blog) page. After all, what it means to me might be different for you.

For me, a "complicated life", at least in eulogy-speak, usually falls into one of three categories, but remember these are not exclusive, people can fit into more than one.

1. The Relational Rupture - The type of person burned bridges. Maybe they had estranged children, a bitter divorce, or a decades-long feud with a sibling. Their life was marked by exits rather than entrances.

2. The Moral Grey Area - These people often struggled with issues like addiction, infidelity, financial dishonesty, or a criminal record. Their actions probably caused tangible harm to others, even as they may have been loving in other contexts.

3. The Untold Story - The final category is for those who lived a secret life, whether that's a hidden sexuality, a different religious faith, a child given up for adoption, or a career that was not what it seemed. The complexity for these people lies in what was concealed.

Crucially, it's worth pointing out that none of these make a person unworthy of remembrance. We all make mistakes. They simply make the remembrance more difficult. Let's not forget, the goal of a eulogy is not to canonise; it is to humanise. After all, a eulogy is the final story we tell about someone, and like all good stories, it needs conflict, nuance, and ultimately, a measure of redemption, or at least understanding.

Part 2 - The Golden Rule of Complicated Eulogies

As a professional eulogy writer, here is probably the single most important piece of advice I can give you: The funeral is not the place for a full confession, nor is it the place for a reckoning.

Repeat that to yourself.

The eulogy is not a courtroom. It is not a therapy session. It is not the time to finally "set the record straight" (whatever that means to you) about every wrongdoing. The audience is going to be a mix of people who loved the deceased, people who tolerated them, and possibly even people who were wounded by them. If you use the podium to catalogue sins, even in the name of "honesty", you will alienate half the room and leave the other half in tears for the wrong reasons.

Conversely, if you deliver a sickly sugar-sweet, sanitised version of their life that embodies "He/She was always perfect, never made a mistake", the people who knew the truth will feel gaslit. They will leave feeling that their own pain has been erased.

The sweet spot for a great eulogy is measured candor. In other words, you acknowledge the struggle without dwelling on the gory details. You name the challenge without assigning blame. You focus on the arc of their life, not the scars.

Part 3 - What to Include (And How to Phrase It)

Now it's time to get practical. If you are writing the eulogy yourself, here is the structure I would recommend for a complicated eulogy, along with the specific language that I think works.

1. The Hook (aka The Complication)

I would start with a truth that acknowledges the complexity, whatever it is, right out of the gate. Putting it upfront disarms the audience and basically tells them, "I know this wasn't simple, and I'm not going to lie to you".

• Instead of something like "John was a devoted family man", try "John was a man who loved his family fiercely, even when he didn't always know how to show up for them".

• Or instead of "Mary was a pillar of the community", go with "Mary was a force of nature, generous to a fault with her time, yet relentlessly hard on herself. She gave the world her best, even when her private world was in chaos".

Notice what I did there? In those simple example sentences, I validated the good (loved fiercely, generous) while subtly nodding to the flaw (didn't show up, hard on herself). I used the word "even" as a bridge between the two. I don't just through this stuff together you know. ;-)

2. The Evidence (Specific, Neutral Memories)

WIth that out of the way, pivot to specific stories that illustrate their character, but I would choose stories that are "neutral" in moral weight. Instead of the story of the time they got drunk at a wedding, tell the story of the time they sang karaoke badly at a wedding. Instead of the story of an affair, tell the story of their impeccable taste in music that they shared with you during car rides.

Fundamentally, you are looking for vignettes that show their essence; whether that's their humour, their stubbornness or their intellect, without dredging up the specifics of the damage they may have caused.

Here's a real world example for you. I had a client whose father was, in their words, an "absent workaholic". We couldn't say "He was a great dad", but we could say "He taught me the value of a pound by making me balance his chequebook at age 10. He wasn't around for dinner, but he was always around for maths homework at midnight. In his own peculiar way, he was preparing me for a world he knew would be tough".

They're both honest statements, but the latter doesn't pretend he was home for dinner, but it reframes his absence as a strange, misguided form of love.

3. The Struggle (Make It Abstract, Not Graphic)

If you must address the addiction, the divorce, or the estrangement (or whatever it might be) I'd do so in broad, metaphorical strokes. Use phrases like "demons", "inner turmoil", "a restless spirit", or "the weight he carried". They're vague enough to suit the eulogy, but everyone will know what you mean. For example;

• Do say "In his later years, he wrestled with the same demons that had chased him since childhood. It made him difficult to reach, but it also made him deeply empathetic to anyone else who felt broken".

• Do NOT say "He drank a bottle of vodka a day and lost his job, his house, and his second wife because of it".

The former invites compassion; the latter invites judgment. The former acknowledges the truth; the latter publishes the medical chart.

4. The Legacy (What They Left Behind)

Every complicated life leaves a legacy, but it may not be an obvious one. If, for example, if they were a bad parent, maybe they were a phenomenal grandparent. If they were a terrible partner, maybe they were a loyal friend. If they hurt you, maybe they taught you resilience.

Whatever the case may be, frame their legacy in terms of the lessons you learned, even if those lessons were about what not to do!

One of the most powerful eulogies I ever wrote was for a woman who abandoned her three children. During our first meeting, the eldest daughter, my client, said "She taught me that a woman has to fight for her own identity, even if she fights clumsily. She taught me that forgiveness is not about forgetting; it's about refusing to let the past define your future and she taught me, by not being here, the fierce value of my own presence in my own children's lives".

That was magnificent to hear. It was searingly honest. It claims agency, but does not excuse the mother, but it does not reduce her to her worst act. I used it almost word-for-word in the eulogy itself.

5. The Closing (A Grace Note)

Finally, end with a forward-looking sentiment. Complicated lives deserve complicated peace. You can say something like "Wherever she is now, I hope she has found the rest that eluded her here. I hope we can carry forward her fight, her wit and her unquenchable spark, even as we let go of the weight she carried".

Part 4 - What NOT to Include (The Red Lines)

So far I've only really touched upon how to frame the phrases you may use. Let me be blunt about what to leave out! These are, for me at least, the red lines you shouldn't cross.

• Graphic details of death or illness - We don't need to know about the liver failure or the suicide method. It distracts from the life they lived.

• Unresolved accusations - If you're still angry, don't use the eulogy to get the last word. Write a letter to them so help you process then burn it instead.

• Comparisons - Do not say something like "She was better than her ex-husband made her out to be". Whilst you might genuinely believe it to be true, you are now involving living people in a negative light. Please don't do that.

• Sarcasm or cynicism - Dark humour has its place for sure, but among close friends. In a formal eulogy, it often just reads as bitterness, not wit.

• Secrets that would harm the living - If the deceased had a child no one knows about, or a financial embezzlement that would ruin a surviving partner's reputation, take that to the grave with them. The eulogy is for the living.

Part 5 - Structure and Tone (The Technicalities)

• Length - Timings are often dictated by the celebrant or clergy but keep it to 5 to 8 minutes (which equates to approx. 700–1,000 words on average). For a complicated life, do not go long. Brevity is your friend; it forces you to distill, not ramble.

• Tone - Tone is important in any eulogy but, in this context, go for sombre but not maudlin. Reflective, not confrontational. Use active verbs. Avoid passive victim language (i.e. "He suffered from" becomes "He contended with"). There's a blog linked here that looks at tone in more detail.

• The "We" vs. "I" Balance - If you were personally hurt, use "I" sparingly. I'd use "we" to unify the mourners. "We struggled to understand him" is more inclusive than "I was furious with him".

Part 6 - When You Cannot Do It Alone

Finally, here is the unvarnished truth. Trust me when I say that writing a eulogy for a complicated life is emotionally exhausting. You are not just grieving; you are also performing a kind of emotional archaeology, digging through layers of hurt and pain to find a nugget of gold. It is entirely possible that you are simply too close to the story to see the outline clearly, and that is where a professional eulogy writer like me comes in.

I have a unique advantage that is often overlooked. I do not know your loved one. I am not triggered by their past. I have no axe to grind and no score to settle. When you hire me, I can conduct an interview (or more of a chat) where you can tell me the whole story; the good, the bad, and the devastating. I listen without judgment then I take your raw, tangled memories and I weave them into a narrative that is respectful, honest and healing.

I promise I will not sanitise your loved one nor will not indict them. I will give you the language you wish you had; the graceful, nuanced words that say "I saw all of you, and I still choose to mourn you".

If you are reading this blog and your stomach is in knots because you don't know how to start, or because every draft you write sounds either like a lie or a lawsuit, please reach out.

You do not have to stand at that podium with a trembling piece of paper and nursing a growing panic attack. You can stand there with a finished eulogy, one that brings comfort to the broken and closure to the conflicted, and simply deliver it authentically.

Photo by Luke Jones on Unsplash

The PostScript

I think it's important to remember that a complicated life is not a failed life. It is a life that resisted easy categorisation. It is a life that asked more questions than it answered, and in that way, it is the most human life of all. None of us are perfect.

When you stand up to give that eulogy, remember that your job is not to defend the deceased, nor to prosecute them. Your job is to bear witness. To basically say "I saw them. I saw the light and the shadow and I am here to say goodbye to both".

That in of itself is an act of profound courage and whether you write it yourself or ask for help (from a professional like me), the very fact that you are wrestling with this question tells me that you loved them more deeply than their complications could ever undo.

To wrap this post up, I would say this. If you are writing it yourself, go gently. Write truthfully and if you get stuck, know that a helping hand is only a message away.

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Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I hope it helps you, or someone you know. I'd love to know about your own experiences. If you have experienced something like this, how did you manage it? If you've been to a funeral of a friend or loved one, how were those complications expressed, or were they ignored completely ? If you have you own, how would YOU want them shared when the time comes? Let me know in the comments. I read and reply to all of them.

If you need help crafting a eulogy that honours the full, complicated truth of your loved one? Please get in contact me (call, WhatsApp, email) today for a confidential consultation. Let me carry the weight of the words so you can carry the weight of your grief.

Finally, if you did enjoy this post, please give it a '❤️' and feel free to share it on your socials. Maybe someone in your own network might need to read it. There are other relevant blogs you might like, linked below, and a wealth of others on the site. Take care.