Writing a Eulogy When You Don’t Know Where to Start

"I don't know where to begin".

As a professional eulogy writer, I probably hear that statement more than any other from potential clients.

Families contact me every week feeling overwhelmed because they have been asked to write or deliver a eulogy for someone they loved deeply, yet they simply cannot find the words. I understand that feeling completely.

They worry that they are not good writers, that they will forget something important, or that they will somehow fail the person they are trying to honour. If that sounds familiar, please know that you are far from alone.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Research consistently shows that many adults in the UK feel "lost for words" when faced with writing a eulogy. Grief has a remarkable ability to silence us. Even people like me who write professionally for a living occasionally struggle with it day-to-day. It's an emotionally draining job for sure.

The good news is this: writing a meaningful eulogy does not begin with writing at all.

It begins with remembering, and we can all do that. With that in mind, let me explain how to go about writing a eulogy when you really don’t know where to start.

Seven Steps to Writing a Eulogy When You Don’t Know Where to Start

If this is a situation in which you find yourself, I've tried to break my process down into 7 simple steps to help you, and that starts with:

1. Accept That You Don't Need to Write It All at Once

One of the biggest mistakes I think people make is sitting down in front of a blank screen and expecting themselves to produce a finished eulogy in a single sitting.

Rarely does it work that way. It doesn't even work like that for me!

Writing while grieving is emotionally exhausting. Some days, the memories flow freely. On others, even typing a single sentence feels impossible, so give yourself permission to write in stages.

Start with notes rather than complete sentences. Jot down memories as they occur to you. Keep a notebook nearby or use the notes app on your phone. Often the most meaningful stories appear unexpectedly whilst walking the dog, making a cup of tea or lying awake at night.

I've said it many times, but your first draft does not need to be polished. It simply needs to exist.

2. Forget Chronology for the Moment

Many people assume a eulogy must tell the story of a person's entire life from birth to death. Whilst a little structure is certainly helpful, trying to recount every event in chronological order can feel overwhelming.

Instead, ask yourself questions like these:

• What made this person uniquely themselves?

• What will people remember about them?

• What did they love?

• What did they dislike?

• How did they make others feel?

• What lessons did they teach?

• What sayings or expressions did they repeat?

• What stories do family members always tell?

Write down whatever comes to mind, but don't censor yourself. At this stage, quantity matters more than quality. You can organise everything later.

3. Begin With Three Simple Lists

When clients tell me they have absolutely no idea where to start, I often suggest they make a few lists, three in fact, which are:

a. Their Qualities

Think about the characteristics that defined them. Were they:

• Kind?

• Generous?

• Funny?

• Determined?

• Stubborn?

• Loyal?

• Adventurous?

• Quiet?

• Creative?

Remember that imperfections are part of what makes someone real. A person can be wonderfully generous and gloriously stubborn at the same time.

b. Important Moments

Whilst you don't need to include EVERY life event, do consider the significant milestones, such as:

• Birth and upbringing.

• School years.

• Career achievements.

• Marriage or partnerships.

• Children and grandchildren.

• Friendships.

• Hobbies and interests.

• Travels and adventures.

• Community involvement.

• Retirement.

Again, you do not need to include everything. Simply note what feels important to who they were.

c. Favourite Memories

For the last of these three lists, write down the favourite memories you (and those closest to them) have of the deceased. These often become the heart of a eulogy, so give it some time. Think about things like:

• Family holidays

• Funny incidents

• Unexpected acts of kindness

• Shared traditions

• Celebrations

• Everyday routines

Sometimes the smallest memories resonate most powerfully. A daily cup of tea shared together. A particular joke. A treasured ritual every Christmas. Whatever it might be, these kinds of details bring a person vividly back into the room.

4. Ask Others for Their Memories

I think it's important to remember that you do not have to carry the responsibility alone.

I'd encourage you to speak to family members, friends, neighbours and work colleagues. Ask them:

• "What is the first thing you think of when you think of .......?"

• "What story always makes you smile?"

• "What will you miss most?"

Not only will this provide material for the eulogy, but it often becomes a valuable part of the grieving process itself.

I've worked with families who tell me about times I've encouraged them to gather around kitchen tables, where they've ended up sharing stories and laughter through tears, discovering memories they had never heard before. Trust me, these kind of conversations frequently shape the most moving tributes.

5. Remember That a Eulogy Is Not a Biography

Many people panic because they cannot include (or know) every detail of someone's life.

The truth is, a eulogy is not meant to be an encyclopedia. You are not expected to mention every achievement, every holiday, every friendship or every grandchild's accomplishment.

For me, a good eulogy should capture the essence of a person. Not every waking moment they ever had.

As a simple exercise, try this. Imagine someone who never met your loved one asking afterwards:

"What kind of person were they?"

If by the end of the process your tribute answers that question, then you have succeeded.

6. Use a Simple Structure

If all this organisation feels daunting, use this straightforward framework:

a. Introduction

• Welcome those attending and briefly explain your relationship to the deceased. For example: "For those who don't know me, I'm David, Margaret's eldest son, and it is an honour to share a few words about Mum today".

b. Their Life Story

• Provide a brief overview of key life events and milestones.

c. Their Character

Describe what made them special. Include personality traits, passions and interests.

d. Personal Stories

• Share two or three memories that illustrate who they were.

• Humour is entirely appropriate when it reflects the individual and the occasion. In fact, gentle humour often provides welcome relief during an emotional service.

e. Closing Thoughts

• Conclude with what they meant to those around them, the legacy they leave behind and how they will be remembered.

Don't Aim for Perfection

Many people become paralysed trying to write "the perfect eulogy". Let me tell you there is no such thing. Your audience will not be judging your grammar, sentence structure or public speaking ability. They will be listening for love.

Over the course of my life, I've heard beautifully written eulogies delivered flawlessly. I've also heard tributes interrupted by tears, forgotten lines and long pauses. I'm sure you have too.

Without exception, the latter are often remembered just as fondly because they are authentic. It is perfectly acceptable to become emotional.

Pause. Take a sip of water. Breathe. Continue when you are ready. No one expects perfection.

If Speaking Feels Too Difficult

It's important to remember that writing and delivering a eulogy are two separate challenges. Some people can write but cannot imagine standing in front of a congregation (myself included). Others are comfortable speaking but struggle to put thoughts into words.

If speaking feels overwhelming, remember that there are alternatives.

A family member, friend, celebrant or minister can read your words on your behalf.

Equally, if writing feels impossible, professional help is available right on this website!

When You Need Help Finding the Words

There is sometimes an expectation that because we loved someone, we should automatically know what to say about them. Grief rarely works like that.

Shock, exhaustion and emotion can make even simple tasks feel insurmountable.

As a professional eulogy writer, I regularly work with families who simply cannot find a starting point. Through gentle conversations, shared memories and thoughtful questioning, I help people transform scattered thoughts and treasured recollections into a heartfelt tribute that truly reflects the person they have lost.

Some clients want a complete eulogy written for them. Others simply need guidance, editing or help organising their thoughts. There is no right or wrong approach.

The important thing is ensuring that your loved one's story is told in a way that feels meaningful and authentic.

Photo by Barnabas Piper on Unsplash

The PostScript

If you are currently staring at a blank page, wondering where to start, begin with just one memory.

• Write down a favourite story.

• Describe their laugh.

• Remember something they always said.

That single memory may lead to another, and another after that. Before long, the blank page will no longer feel quite so intimidating, and remember: you do not have to do this alone.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog. I hope it's helped you. These are my thoughts, but I'd love to know yours. If you have written a eulogy in the past, where did you start? Did you use any techniques that I haven't mentioned here? Could you write a eulogy if you needed to? Let me know in the comments below. I read and reply to all of them.

If you are struggling to write a eulogy or simply need support shaping your thoughts into a fitting tribute, please get in touch. I offer compassionate, confidential professional eulogy writing services throughout the UK and beyond and would be honoured to help you tell your loved one's story, so please reach out and let's have a conversation about how I can best help you.

Finally, if you did enjoy this post, please give it a '❤️' and feel free to share it on your socials. Maybe someone in your network might need it. There are other blogs you might like, linked below, and a wealth of others on the site.