Celebrating a Life With Humour: When and How to Include It in a Eulogy
When I sit down with a family to discuss a eulogy, there's a question that comes up again and again, usually delivered in a slightly apologetic tone, as though it's somehow improper to ask. "Is it alright if we include a bit of humour? Would people think we weren't taking it seriously?"
My answer is always the same: humour, used thoughtfully, is one of the most powerful tools available to a eulogy writer because writing a eulogy is rarely an easy task.
I think that's because, when someone we love dies, just finding the right words to describe their life can feel overwhelming, particularly when emotions are running high and the responsibility of speaking at a funeral falls to us. We desperately want to do justice to the person we have lost, comfort those who are grieving and share something meaningful about the life that touched us all. Yet there is another ingredient that can make a eulogy genuinely memorable: humour.
The idea of making people laugh at a funeral might initially feel uncomfortable, even inappropriate. A eulogy has to be serious, reflective and respectful, right? While there is certainly a place for all these things, I believe humour can be one of the most effective ways to celebrate a person's life. A well-chosen anecdote, a familiar expression or a gentle joke can bring someone back into the room, reminding everyone present not just that they have died, but how they lived.
I honestly think that humour deserves a place in our conversations about funeral speeches. It is often overlooked in traditional advice about writing a eulogy, yet, in my opinion, it can help create a more personal, authentic and uplifting tribute. The challenge, of course, is knowing when to use it, how to get the tone right and where to draw the line between a fond laugh and an uncomfortable or even inappropriate moment.
Why Humour Belongs in a Eulogy
For most of us, humour is an important part of how we relate to one another. It helps us build relationships with friends, navigate difficult situations and create memories that last for years. For many people, myself included, laughter is woven into the fabric of everyday life, whether through shared jokes, affectionate teasing, amusing mishaps or the familiar quirks that make someone unique. I have a note on my phone that is filled with the unintentionally funny things my wife says. It's our treasured family in-joke. Trust me, the best ones are going in her eulogy when the day comes!
If the person who has died was naturally funny, excluding any humour from their eulogy could leave an incomplete picture of who they were. A tribute that describes someone as loving, generous and kind might be perfectly accurate, but it may miss something essential if they were also the person who made everyone laugh at family gatherings or delighted in winding up their friends.
Humour can also provide moments of relief during a difficult occasion. Let's face it, grief is emotionally exhausting, and a funeral can feel like an unrelenting series of sad moments. A gentle laugh can offer a brief release of tension, allowing people to breathe, reconnect with one another and remember happier times.
Importantly, laughter does not diminish grief.
We can feel devastated by someone's death and still find ourselves laughing at a memory of them. Sometimes, the two emotions sit surprisingly comfortably alongside one another. A eulogy that allows space for both acknowledges the complexity of losing someone without suggesting that everyone must express their sadness in the same way.
Understanding the Difference Between Funny and Appropriate
As I touched upon earlier, the first consideration when including humour in a eulogy is not whether something is funny in isolation (I'm sure it's hilarious), but whether it is appropriate for the occasion and for the people in attendance.
Something that would have had your closest friends in stitches over a drink might not always translate particularly well to a room containing elderly relatives, children, work colleagues, neighbours and old acquaintances. Funerals will bring together people from different parts of someone's life, many of whom will have very different memories and relationships with the deceased.
The safest starting point is affectionate humour: stories that reveal something endearing, familiar or amusing about the person's character without making them the target of ridicule.
Perhaps your Dad insisted that he could fix anything around the house, despite leaving a trail of increasingly mysterious repairs behind him. Maybe your grandmother had an extraordinary ability to feed an entire family using ingredients that nobody else could identify. Perhaps your partner was famous for telling the same joke repeatedly, laughing harder each time as though the punchline were entirely new.
These are just a few examples but they work because the humour emerges from recognition and affection. People laugh because they remember the person, recognise their quirks or appreciate the warmth of the story.
By contrast, jokes that rely on embarrassment, humiliation or private information are much riskier. Even if the deceased would have laughed, the audience might not understand the context, and a funeral is rarely the best place to explain a complicated family in-joke.
If you're unsure, a useful question to ask yourself is this: Would the person I am remembering have been happy for me to share this story with everyone in the room? If the answer is no, or you're unsure, consider whether the anecdote needs changing or whether there's another memory that would serve the tribute better.
Six Ways to Include Humour in a Eulogy
Don't get me wrong, you do not need to be a natural comedian to write a eulogy that makes people smile. In fact, trying too hard to be funny can make a funeral speech feel artificial. In my expert opinion, the most effective humour often comes from ordinary memories told honestly. Here's how I do that.
1. Celebrate Their Everyday Quirks
The small things often reveal more about someone than their greatest achievements. Perhaps they always arrived early (or were perpetually late), collected things nobody else understood or had a very particular way of doing things.
These details can be wonderful sources of gentle humour because they bring the person to life. Rather than simply telling people that your mother was determined, describe how she would continue giving directions to the SatNav voice long after it had stopped working. Instead of saying your uncle was stubborn, recall how he spent an entire afternoon assembling an IKEA wardrobe backwards rather than admit that he had ignored the instructions.
Whatever it is, the key is to make the humour affectionate rather than critical. You are not trying to expose someone's shortcomings; you are sharing the familiar characteristics that made them who they were.
2. Tell a Short, Amusing Story
A brief anecdote can be more effective than a string of jokes. It gives the audience a little glimpse into the person's world and allows the humour to emerge more naturally.
Think about things like holidays, family celebrations, memorable mistakes or special occasions when things went spectacularly wrong. Perhaps a carefully planned dinner party ended with everyone eating takeaway pizza, or a supposedly straightforward DIY project became a family legend.
When telling the story, whatever it might be, keep the details that make it engaging but remove anything unnecessary. You do not need to recreate every conversation or explain the entire background. Set the scene, describe what happened and let the amusing detail speak for itself.
A story that ends with a gentle punchline can be particularly effective, but remember that the purpose is to celebrate the person, not to deliver a stand-up routine.
3. Revisit Their Favourite Expressions
Many people have phrases or expressions they repeat so often that their families can anticipate every word. These familiar expressions can be a lovely way to capture someone's voice and personality.
Perhaps your grandfather always said, "It'll be all right in the end", even when the situation suggested otherwise. Maybe your friend had a favourite saying that was completely nonsensical, or your mother had a wonderfully predictable response to almost every problem.
Including one of these expressions allows people to hear the person again in their imagination. If it was regularly accompanied by a particular gesture or facial expression, a brief description may make it even more vivid.
Often, the audience will smile before you have finished the sentence because they know exactly what is coming. That shared recognition can be one of the most moving moments in a eulogy.
4. Acknowledge Their Wonderful Imperfections
Nobody lives a perfect life, and the most convincing tributes rarely pretend otherwise. Gentle humour can acknowledge the imperfections that made someone relatable, whether they were hopeless at remembering birthdays, terrible at keeping plants alive or convinced they were an excellent singer despite considerable evidence to the contrary.
The important distinction is between laughing with someone and laughing at them. A fond reference to a person's inability to cook can be charming, particularly if everyone remembers their enthusiastic but unsuccessful attempts. A detailed story about a humiliating personal failure may feel unnecessarily cruel.
Choose imperfections that the person themselves recognised, joked about or wore with pride. The audience should come away feeling closer to them, not invited to judge them.
5. Use Humour to Reveal Something Deeper
Sometimes, the most meaningful humour is connected to a more serious truth.
You might describe a father who grumbled about every family gathering but was always the first person to arrive and the last to leave. Maybe you can recall a friend who pretended not to care about birthdays while secretly organising elaborate celebrations for everyone else.
These stories are funny because they reveal a contradiction, but they are also touching because they show the love beneath the behaviour. This is often where humour becomes especially powerful in a eulogy. It moves beyond entertainment and helps the audience understand the person more fully, creating a moment that is both amusing and emotionally significant.
6. Never Apologise for the Humour
Finally, don't say something like "I hope you'll forgive me for this" or "I'll keep this short because it's silly". Either the anecdote belongs in the eulogy or it doesn't. Apologising will drain the warmth from it and make the audience feel they shouldn't laugh at all.
When Should You Avoid Humour?
I hope I've shown ways in which humour can enrich a eulogy, but it is not compulsory. Some people were naturally serious, private or reserved, and their tribute may be more authentic without jokes. Others may have died in circumstances that make certain kinds of humour especially difficult for their families.
Consider the circumstances of the death, the wishes of the wider family and the emotional atmosphere surrounding the funeral. If the death was sudden or traumatic, people may be particularly sensitive. This does not mean that humour must be excluded completely, but it does call for even greater care in choosing the subject and timing.
Be especially cautious with jokes about illness, disability, addiction, relationship breakdowns, financial difficulties or family conflict. These subjects may carry painful associations for mourners attending the service, even if the deceased made light of them during their lifetime.
I'd also avoid using the eulogy to settle scores, expose secrets or make pointed comments about people who are present. I've said it many times in my blogs, but a funeral speech is not the place to air grievances even under the cover of humour.
In these circumstances, if you are unsure whether a story is appropriate, ask someone who knew the deceased well and understands the wider family dynamics. Ideally, choose someone who will give you an honest answer rather than simply agreeing with everything you suggest.
Finally, remember that you cannot guarantee a particular response. A story that makes one person laugh may bring another to tears. That does not necessarily mean you have done anything wrong. People grieve differently, and memories can provoke unexpected emotions.
Getting the Timing and Delivery Right
Even a well-written humorous story can fall flat if it is delivered awkwardly. Fortunately, you do not need impeccable comic timing to make humour work in a eulogy.
First, allow the story to develop naturally. As I touched on earlier, avoid signalling that a joke is coming by announcing that you are about to say something funny. Simply tell the story as you remember it, trusting the amusing detail to do its work.
Second, give the audience time to respond. If people laugh, pause briefly rather than talking over them. This allows the moment to breathe and prevents you from rushing into the next part of the tribute.
Third, do not worry if nobody laughs. Some people may be too upset, others may not recognise the reference, and some may simply express their feelings quietly. A smile, a knowing glance or a moment of shared recognition can be just as meaningful as laughter.
Finally, consider the overall rhythm of your speech. A humorous opening can help establish a warm, personal tone, while a funny anecdote in the middle can provide a welcome change of pace. You might also finish with a light-hearted memory if that reflects the person's character and feels appropriate.
The bottom line is that there is no universal formula. The best placement depends on the story, the person and the emotional journey you want the eulogy to take.
What If You Are Worried About Getting It Wrong?
Writing a eulogy is an emotional responsibility, and the pressure can be considerable. You may be trying to capture decades of memories in a few minutes while managing your own grief and worrying about how other people will react.
If you are struggling to find the right balance between humour and sadness, start by writing freely. Gather your memories without worrying initially about structure or tone. Make a note of the things that made you laugh, the phrases you can still hear in the person's voice and the stories you find yourself telling whenever their name comes up.
Once done, review your material. Ask yourself which memories reveal something important about the person's character? Which would make sense to a mixed audience? Which feel affectionate, and which run the risk of being misunderstood?
Read the draft aloud, ideally to someone you trust. You may discover that a story sounds charming when spoken but uncomfortable when written down (or vice-versa), or that a small change in wording makes the difference between a gentle observation and a harsh criticism. If you have no-one like that, please drop me a line and I'd be happy to help.
Above all, do not feel that you must make the audience laugh. Your responsibility is to honour the person honestly and thoughtfully. If the speech contains a few moments of genuine warmth and amusement, that is more than enough.
If grief makes it difficult to organise your thoughts, or you feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of writing and delivering the tribute, professional support can help.
Many of the families I work with come to me not because they can't write at all, but because they want permission - permission to be funny, to be honest, to include the anecdotes that a more formal template would leave out.
As a professional eulogy writer, my role is to sit with you, listen to the stories that make you laugh and cry in equal measure, and shape them into something you can deliver with confidence. If gentle humour is part of the person you've lost, I'll help you find the right tone, the right anecdotes and the right moment. If it isn't, I'll help you write something dignified and warm without a single joke.
Either way, you don't have to get the balance right on your own. Do feel free to get in touch if that sounds useful.
The PostScript: Let the Person's Personality Lead
If I've learned anything in the years I've been running PostScript, it's that there is no single correct way to write a eulogy, just as there is no single correct way to grieve. Some tributes are quiet and reflective; others are full of stories, laughter and the joyful chaos of a life lived enthusiastically. Both can be equally meaningful.
Ultimately, I think the secret to including humour is to remain guided by the person you are remembering. Think about what made them laugh, how they treated others and the memories that continue to bring a smile to your face. Choose stories that reveal their character, use affectionate language and trust the audience to understand the love behind the laughter.
A funeral does not have to be an entirely solemn occasion to be respectful. Sometimes, the sound of a room full of people laughing together is a beautiful reminder of everything that brought them together in the first place.
Perhaps the greatest tribute we can offer someone is not to remember only the sadness of losing them, but also the joy of having known them. If that means sharing a story about their terrible dancing, their questionable cooking or their lifelong inability to arrive anywhere on time, then perhaps that is exactly what the moment needs.
After all, a life is not defined solely by its final chapter. It is also defined by the laughter, love and memories that remain long after the last words have been spoken.
Thank you for reading my post, I hope it helps you if this is a situation in which you find yourself. I'd love to know what you think. Would you want humour included in your eulogy? What's the one thing you'd absolutely NOT want included (no judgement). Have you been to a funeral where it was handled well (or not so well?). Let me know in the comments below. I read and reply to all of them.
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