Writing a eulogy is a deeply personal and often challenging task. It is a moment to honour and remember a loved one, to share their story and to celebrate their life.
However, amidst the emotional whirlwind, it can be difficult to discern what is appropriate to include and what should be left out, particularly if you're struggling on what to write at all! If that's the case, this might help.
The Eulogy: What NOT To Write
Crafting a eulogy that is respectful, heartfelt and fitting requires careful consideration.
Whilst there are plenty of guides online on how to write a eulogy, I wanted to put together one that looks at how NOT to write one. That might not be as obvious as you think, especially if writing isn't your 'thing'.
This guide will explore 10 things NOT to include in a eulogy (in my humble opinion) but also what to include instead.
This will hopefully help you avoid common pitfalls and ensure your tribute remains meaningful, respectful and remembered for all the right reasons!
1. Avoid Negative Remarks or Criticisms
A eulogy is not the place to air grievances or highlight the deceased's flaws.
While it's important to present an authentic portrayal of them, focusing on their negative traits or past conflicts can detract from the purpose of the eulogy.
Remember, this is a time for remembrance and celebration of life, not for unresolved issues or criticisms.
Things to Avoid
Criticising the deceased’s choices or lifestyle.
Mentioning past fallouts, conflicts or personal disagreements. A eulogy is NOT the place for payback or petty animus.
Highlighting any negative behaviour or characteristics.
What To Include Instead
Positive anecdotes and memories.
Attributes that made the deceased special and loved.
Stories that illustrate their kindness, generosity or other positive traits.
2. Steer Clear of Controversial Topics
Controversial subjects such as politics, religion or other divisive social issues can create discomfort and tension among the attendees, whether they agree with them or not.
Even if the deceased was passionate about these topics, a eulogy should aim to unify and console rather than stoke division. There's enough of that in the world already.
Things To Avoid
Political views or affiliations.
Religious beliefs that may not be shared by all present.
Any polarising opinions or topics.
What To Include Instead
Universal values and qualities that everyone can appreciate.
Shared memories that resonate with a broad audience.
The deceased's passions and interests in a general, non-controversial context.
3. Don’t Overemphasise the Cause of Death
While it’s natural to address the cause of death, dwelling on it can be distressing and overshadow the celebration of life, especially so soon after their passing.
A brief mention is sufficient unless the family specifically requests more detail.
Things To Avoid
Graphic details or extensive discussion of the illness or accident.
Emotional recounting of the final moments that may upset attendees.
What To Include Instead
Acknowledgement of the passing with sensitivity.
Focus on the life lived, rather than the way it ended.
Celebrating aspects of the deceased’s life and their lasting impact.
4. Refrain from Inappropriate Humour
Humour can be a beautiful way to remember someone but it needs to be handled with care (more on that here).
Even if they were somewhat brash in life, inappropriate jokes or overly casual remarks can seem disrespectful in the solemn context of a funeral.
Things To Avoid
Jokes that might be seen as offensive or in poor taste. There may be children in attendance.
Sarcasm or humour that relies on inside jokes not understood by all.
What To Include Instead
Light, appropriate anecdotes that bring a smile.
Humorous stories that reflect the deceased’s personality and are suitable for the audience.
5. Avoid Lengthy, Tangential Stories
While stories and anecdotes are the heart of a good eulogy, it’s important to keep them relevant and concise.
Tangential or overly long stories can lose the audience’s attention and detract from the main message. Think Uncle Colm from Derry Girls!
Things To Avoid
Long-winded anecdotes that don’t directly relate to the deceased’s character or impact.
Stories that require extensive background or context to understand.
What To Include Instead
Short, impactful stories that highlight key aspects of the deceased’s life.
Anecdotes that illustrate their values, passions or relationships.
6. Do Not Make It About Yourself
While it’s natural to share your personal experiences with the deceased, the eulogy should primarily focus on their life and legacy. It's not about you!
Avoid turning the eulogy into a personal memoir.
Things To Avoid
Overemphasising your own feelings or experiences.
Using the eulogy as a platform for personal reflections unrelated to the deceased.
What To Include Instead
Brief personal reflections that tie into the deceased’s life and impact.
Sharing how the deceased touched your life, keeping the focus on them.
7. Steer Clear of Exaggerations and Falsehoods
Honesty is crucial in a eulogy. While it’s tempting to paint a perfect picture of the departed, a picture doesn't show EVERYTHING.
Exaggerations or fabrications can come across as insincere. Authenticity resonates much more deeply with the audience.
Things To Avoid
Overstating achievements or qualities that were not true.
Creating a narrative that feels unrealistic or exaggerated.
What To Include Instead
Honest, heartfelt reflections on the deceased’s genuine qualities and achievements.
Realistic portrayals that celebrate the true essence of the person.
8. Avoid Complex Language or Overly Formal Tone
A eulogy should be accessible and relatable to those in attendance.
Remember that you're going to be surrounded by friends and family, so using overly complex language or a stiff, formal tone can create unnecessary distance between the speaker and the audience.
Things To Avoid
Complex vocabulary that may not be understood by all.
A formal, impersonal tone that lacks warmth and emotion.
What To Include Instead
Simple, clear language that conveys your message effectively works much better.
Aim for a warm, conversational tone that connects with the audience.
9. Refrain from Comparing to Others
Comparisons can be sensitive, especially in a eulogy, so avoid comparing the deceased to others, whether positively or negatively, as it can lead to unintended hurt or misunderstandings.
Things To Avoid
Comparing the deceased’s achievements or qualities to those of others.
Highlighting how the deceased was better or worse than someone else.
What To Include Instead
Focus on the unique qualities and achievements of the deceased.
Celebrate what made them special without comparisons.
10. Avoid Overly Personal or Private Details
While sharing personal stories is important, be mindful of the deceased’s privacy and the audience’s comfort.
Avoid overly intimate details that might be inappropriate for a public setting. Again, there may also be children present.
Things To Avoid
Private or sensitive information that the deceased wouldn’t want to be shared.
Intimate details of relationships or personal matters.
What To Include Instead
Personal anecdotes that are appropriate and respectful.
Stories that reflect the deceased’s character without invading their privacy.
The Final Word
For those like me who write eulogies, it's always a delicate balance of honouring the deceased’s life while being mindful of the audience and the occasion.
By avoiding negative remarks, controversial topics and inappropriate humour (however tempted you might be), you can ensure your tribute remains respectful and meaningful, as it should be.
Keep the focus on celebrating the deceased’s life, sharing genuine stories and reflections that capture their essence.
Remember, a eulogy is a gift to both the deceased and those gathered to remember them. It’s an opportunity to bring comfort, share memories and celebrate a life well-lived.
By steering clear of these common pitfalls, you can create a heartfelt and memorable tribute that honours your loved one with the respect and love they deserve.
If you're writing a eulogy, then I hope this has given you some insight on how NOT to do it but also tips on how to do it better.
I'd love to know what you think. Have you been to a funeral and heard something that made you wince? What's the worst thing someone has included in a eulogy you've heard? Is there anything I've missed anything? If so, what? Please leave a comment below.
If you're still struggling with a eulogy you're writing, then I can help. When you need a eulogy for your loved ones, then please take a look at my site and how I can help create something special. Thanks for visiting.
Main blog photo by Richard Dykes on Unsplash
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