Gratitude in Grief: How Remembering the Good Helps Us Cope

Grief is a complicated companion. It sneaks into our lives uninvited, lingering in the quiet moments and rushing in with unexpected intensity when we least expect it.

For many, grief feels like a wave that knocks us down, again and again, just when we thought we had learned how to stand up. Yet within its depths lies something quietly powerful, and that's gratitude.

The thing is, remembering the good of those we've lost; whether that's the laughter, the kindness, the quirks and the moments that made someone uniquely them, does not erase the pain of their loss, but it can soften its edges.

Instead, gratitude becomes a bridge; connecting the ache of absence with the warmth of memory, allowing us not only to grieve but also to celebrate.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

As a professional eulogy writer, I’ve seen this truth play out many times. Families come to me devastated, unsure of how to honour their loved one, but once we start the process, the memories begin flowing, and invariably something remarkable happens. Gratitude surfaces, and it shifts the tone.

Grief is still present of course, but alongside it stands joy, warmth and love.

Why Gratitude Matters in Grief

When we lose someone we love, our minds often rush toward absence. We focus on what we no longer have; the phone calls that won’t come, the text messages that don't arrive, the chair that sits empty, the routines forever disrupted. This focus is natural; our hearts are wired to notice the gap left behind.

Yet gratitude can shift that perspective.

It asks us not to ignore the pain but to look at the whole picture: the love that was shared, the lessons learned, the moments that made life richer because of that person’s presence.

I recently worked with a family who had lost their mother suddenly. In those first conversations, the grief was understandably raw. They couldn’t picture Christmas without her, couldn’t imagine Sunday dinners without her Yorkshire puddings. But when I gently asked about her quirks, the memories began to flow.

They told me how she always burnt the roast potatoes but claimed it was “just the way we like them. They told me how her laugh could be heard halfway down the street and how she never left the house without her bright red lipstick.

They laughed through their tears, and one daughter said: “I’d rather have had 50 years of Mum being wonderfully herself than a hundred years of anyone else.”

That single moment captured the essence of gratitude in grief: the pain was still there, but so was the love. That sentence hit me just as hard and I'd never met her.

The Healing Power of Memory

In the days after a loss, memories become both painful and precious. They are bittersweet reminders of what we had and what we miss, but when those memories are framed with gratitude, they become healing.

Rarely at a funeral do people dwell on shortcomings or arguments. What fills the air are the stories; the quirks, the traditions, the little things that made life brighter.

Shortly after starting PostScript, I remember working with a gentleman who had lost his best friend of fifty years. When he sat with me (albeit virtually) to prepare the eulogy, he wept openly. “I can’t stop crying when I think about the fact he’s gone,” he admitted. But then he told me how his friend would turn up to every fishing trip with a packet of biscuits he’d already eaten half of before he arrived.

As he spoke, he started to laugh through his tears. That moment of laughter didn’t undo his grief, but it gave him balance. It reminded him that alongside his sudden sorrow lived decades of joy.

By remembering the good, we not only preserve the essence of those we’ve lost but also allow ourselves to feel joy even in the shadow of sadness. Gratitude makes memory a source of comfort rather than only pain.

Gratitude as Connection

One of the hardest parts of grief is the sense of disconnection; as if the person has been ripped from our world and we are left alone. Gratitude, however, helps rebuild a form of connection.

When you remember what someone gave you, whether it’s love, laughter, guidance, or courage, you realise they are still a part of you. Their influence has not ended; it continues to shape the choices you make, the traditions you keep and the way you move through the world.

I once wrote a eulogy for a lovely widow who described how she still hears her husband’s voice every time she waters the garden. “He’s still reminding me not to drown the roses,” she told me.

Gratitude helped her reframe his presence; he was not gone from her life entirely; whilst not physically, he was still there, woven into these everyday moments.

This is what gratitude does, it allows us to see that though the physical presence is gone, the gifts of that life endure. Grief transforms into legacy, and loss becomes continuation.

Practical Ways to Cultivate Gratitude in Grief

Gratitude doesn’t always come naturally in the midst of sorrow, as much as we might like it to. When your heart feels heavy, it can be difficult to summon warm memories. But like a muscle, gratitude can be strengthened with practice.

Here are five gentle ways I’ve seen families use, and sometimes adopted myself, to bring gratitude into grief. Maybe they can work for you too.

1. Keep a Memory Journal

Write down the moments you are thankful for: the lessons learned, the funny stories, the times you felt loved.

One lady I worked with told me she kept a notebook by her bed and wrote one “thank you” to her dad each night. She told me “It feels like I’m still having conversations with him.” How beautiful is that!

Over time, her journal became not just a record of gratitude but an incredible keepsake of memories.

2. Create a Gratitude Ritual

Some families I’ve worked with light a candle each evening and say one thing they are thankful for about their loved one. Others keep a jar where they write memories on slips of paper and read them together on birthdays and anniversaries.

These small acts become rituals of remembrance, daily reminders that love endures.

3. Share Stories with Others

At nearly every funeral in which I’ve written the eulogy, they've told me that the laughter that bubbles up during shared stories is what those families remember most.

The fact is that grief is lighter when carried together, and gratitude flourishes when stories are exchanged.

4. Carry Forward Their Kindness

Honouring someone through action can be deeply healing. I’ve seen families cook a favourite dish, fundraise for a charity, or continue a holiday tradition, saying: “We do this for them.”

Gratitude becomes embodied when it turns into acts of love.

5. Practice Gratitude for the Present

Grief often pulls us backward, but gratitude can also bring us gently into the present.

While remembering the past, look also at what remains in your life now; the people who stand beside you, the resilience you’ve discovered, the beauty still unfolding around you.

Balancing Gratitude and Pain

I think it’s important to say this, but gratitude is not a cure for grief. There are days when gratitude feels unreachable, when the weight of absence overshadows everything. That’s natural, and it’s OK.

Gratitude is not about denying sadness or forcing positivity. Above all else, it’s about balance.

I often think of grief as a set of scales. On one side is loss; heavy, undeniable. On the other side, gratitude; places memories, love and appreciation. The scale may never be completely even, but gratitude keeps it from tipping completely into despair.

Sorrow and thankfulness can coexist. In fact, they often do. Grief proves how deeply we loved. Gratitude proves that love does not end.

Gratitude Across Cultures

Many cultures build gratitude into mourning. In Mexico, Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) is as much a celebration as it is a remembrance, with families creating altars and sharing the foods their loved ones enjoyed.

In parts of Africa, funerals are filled with music and dance, expressing thankfulness for a life lived.

In Irish wakes, stories and laughter mingle with tears, gratitude for character shining as brightly as grief for absence.

I often think our own traditions here in the mainland UK could benefit from embracing this perspective more openly, weaving celebration into sorrow, gratitude into grief.

If you're interested in finding out more about how death is treated around the world, this blog is perfect for you.

Gratitude as a Path Forward

The final truth I’ve learned is this: gratitude helps us move forward not by leaving someone behind but by carrying them with us in a new way.

Photo by Karsten Würth on Unsplash

When we remember the good, we begin to see that grief is not only about endings. It is also about continuity; the threads of love, humour, wisdom and presence that remain woven into our lives.

Gratitude gives us permission to celebrate even as we mourn, to smile even as we cry, and to live more fully because we were lucky enough to love someone worth grieving.

The PostScript

If you take anything away from this blog, I hope it's that grief is not linear and gratitude will not arrive on command. Some days, the best you can do is breathe. On others, a memory will catch you off guard and bring both tears and laughter in the same breath.

Both experiences are equally valid.

But what I’ve seen, time and again, and through my own experiences, is that gratitude is always there, waiting. It doesn’t erase the loss, but it illuminates the love that made that loss so meaningful.

In the end, remembering the good is more than coping; it is honouring. It is saying: “Your life mattered. You gave me joy. I am grateful" and in that gratitude, we find not only comfort but a way to keep those we love close, forever.

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Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post. I'd love to know your thoughts. Have you used gratitude to help you through your own grief? Did you use any of steps I mentioned above to help you? Maybe you have your own that you'd like to share with my community. Let me know in the comments below.

If you've recently lost a loved one and need a eulogy, then I'd be honoured to help create something special for them. Please get in touch and let's have a brief conversation about how we can create a fitting send off for them. You can find out more about the services I offer right here.