There's no doubt that writing a eulogy for someone who's passed is one of the most challenging and emotionally taxing tasks anyone can undertake.
You're already mourning the loss of someone close to you, so having to manage those feelings as well as write a eulogy that honours them in the right way is not to be underestimated.
When my father died in late 2021, whilst I'd been a professional writer for over a decade at that point, I'd never written a eulogy in my life, let alone one for my own family.
What do I put? Where do I start? How do I summarise a life spanning 80+ years in 10 minutes? How do I ensure the whole family likes it? How do I ensure everyone's relationship with this incredible man was honoured too? How do you make sure it captures exactly who they were? Those, and many more questions, swirled around my head for days (and nights).
The pressure to encapsulate a person's life and essence in a relatively few heartfelt words can feel overwhelming, especially when already coupled with the grief of their loss.
Fast-forward to today and I've written many more eulogies for friends and strangers alike. It's never easy, but it has got easier thanks to some tips I've learned along the way that I wanted to share with you.
Tips For Writing An Incredible Eulogy
With all those raw emotions to manage, it's natural to experience so-called writer's block during this process.
If that's the position you find yourself in, I have every sympathy and nothing but respect for you, but I'm here to help you out.
With my knowledge and experience, if you're writing a eulogy, I've put together 15 tips to help you so you can create a meaningful tribute to your loved one.
If you're staring at a blank page right now, I hope they give you some ideas to help you write a beautiful eulogy of your own. Let me know in the comments if they do.
1. Allow Yourself to Feel
One of the first steps in overcoming writer’s block while composing a eulogy is to acknowledge and embrace your emotions.
Grieving is a complex process, and writing a eulogy requires you to confront your feelings head-on. It won't write itself, unfortunately.
Give yourself permission to feel sad.... or angry.... or overwhelmed... or all of the above. Whatever emotions you're experiencing, it's natural to feel this way, so don't fight it or bottle it up inside.
Take breaks if you need to, take the time to cry, or reflect on what you need.
Sometimes, these raw emotions can fuel your writing, providing a genuine and heartfelt perspective that will resonate with others.
They won't be the last tears you shed as the funeral approaches, so allow them to be part of who you are for now (see also #9).
2. Start with Memories
I wouldn't recommend diving straight into writing, not without some sort of plan. Without a plan, it just becomes a word salad of random thoughts that might capture your thoughts but it won't do them justice like that.
For now, just begin by jotting down memories you have of your loved one. These memories don’t have to be grand or momentous; often, it’s the small, everyday moments that paint the most vivid picture of someone’s character.
Think about times when they made you laugh, did something funny, showed kindness, or shared wisdom.
Even if these memories seem a little random or disjointed at first, they will ultimately form the building blocks of your eulogy. You don't have to do it alone.....
3. Talk to Others
As much as your random stories are important, gather similar stories and anecdotes from family members, close friends, and others who knew the deceased well.
Different perspectives can provide a fuller picture of their life and character. They might have been a different person at work, than when they were at home.
These conversations can spark ideas and remind you of stories even you might have forgotten.
They might also provide the connective tissue that connects moments in their life and will bring the eulogy together.
Additionally, this process can be enormously therapeutic, allowing you to share your grief and celebrate the life of your loved one with others.
4. Find a Quiet Space
Writer’s block can often stem from a chaotic environment. When a loved one passes, chaos might be an understatement.
There's always something that needs sorting out, phone calls to make or paperwork to sort out, but if there's too much going on, you won't be able to focus.
Find a quiet, comfortable space where you can concentrate on the eulogy without distractions. This could be a secluded room in your home, a peaceful park, a quiet coffee shop or even a library.
The tranquillity of your surroundings can help clear your mind and enable you to focus on the task at hand. It will help you, not only to remember details, but organise them in your mind.
(see also #9 - again)
5. Create an Outline
Sometimes, especially once you've started to assemble all these moments from those around you, the sheer volume of what you want to say can be overwhelming.
Creating an outline can help you organise your thoughts and provide a clear structure for your eulogy as you start to write.
Start with a simple framework: something as straightforward as an introduction, the body and a conclusion.
In the introduction, you can express your family's gratitude for those attending and introduce your relationship with the deceased.
The body can consist of your collated stories and memories, and the conclusion can offer final thoughts or a message of hope and remembrance. Over time, these sections will grow and develop as the eulogy begins to take shape.
Remember, there's no right or wrong way to write a eulogy. They are all unique and different, yours will be too and that's okay.
6. Use Prompts
If you’re still struggling to get started, prompts can be incredibly helpful.
Consider questions like:
What are some of your favourite memories with this person?
How did they impact your life or the lives of others?
What qualities or characteristics best describe them?
What lessons did they teach you?
These prompts (and many more) can guide your writing and help you uncover the essence of what you want to convey.
Personally, I think a eulogy works best when it takes you on a journey. A journey that pieces their life together, from their birth to their passing with key highlights on the way.
If you don't already know, find out things like:
Who were their parents?
Where were they born?
What school did they go to?
What was their first job?
First girl/boyfriend?
Marriage?
Birth of their children (and grandchildren)
What jobs did they have?
These prompts, and many others like them, will quickly start to assemble the pieces of a fantastic eulogy.
7. Embrace Imperfection
Remember that a eulogy doesn’t have to be perfect. None of us are, so why should their eulogy be?
At the end of the day, it's meant to be a heartfelt tribute, not a literary masterpiece.
The soul and heart within it will be much more important than cold hard facts so focus on sincerity rather than perfection.
The audience will appreciate your honesty and effort, and they will connect with the genuine emotions behind your words. No one is going to score you out of ten.
As such, you must allow yourself to write imperfectly; don't worry too much about grammar, punctuation or spelling at this stage as you can always revise and refine later (or I can help you do that).
It's also good to incorporate some humour into the eulogy. I very much doubt that laughter wasn't a part of their life while they were alive, so why shouldn't it be now they've passed?
Incidentally, if you're interested, I wrote a blog on this very subject which you can read here.
8. Use Quotes and Poems
Incorporating things like quotes, poems, religious texts, even song lyrics or phrases that were meaningful to the deceased (or to you) can add real depth to your eulogy.
These elements can serve as a starting point for your own reflections and provide a comforting structure.
For example, a much-loved poem that captures the spirit of your loved one, or lyrics from their favourite song can act as an anchor around which you build your personal anecdotes and sentiments.
9. Practice Mindfulness
As we touched upon earlier, grief is stressful so practising mindfulness or meditation can help clear your mind and reduce anxiety.
Spend a few minutes focusing on your breath, allowing your thoughts to settle.
Mindfulness can create a mental space where ideas can flow more freely. It can also help you stay present, which is essential when writing about someone important in your life.
Mindfulness has been a HUGE part of my life when it comes to managing my mental health so I can't recommend it enough!
10. Set Realistic Goals
Please don’t pressure yourself to write the entire eulogy in one sitting. There will be a time by which it's needed, but don't rush it.
Instead set small, realistic goals, such as writing for 15-30 minutes a day or completing one section at a time.
Breaking the task into manageable chunks can make it feel less daunting and help you make steady progress.
11. Revisit Happy Times
If you're up to it, take some time to look through any old photographs, letters or mementoes that remind you of happy times with your loved one.
Things like family holidays, BBQs, trips to the seaside, road trips, weddings or other events will conjure up precious memories that you might otherwise forget.
These tangible memories can spark inspiration and remind you of the joy and love you shared. If you can do this with other members of the family, i.e. siblings, then even better.
Reflecting on positive experiences can also provide a sense of comfort and motivate you to capture these important moments in your eulogy.
12. Write a Letter
If you're still struggling to make a start, try writing a letter to your loved one as if they were still here.
Letters seem less imposing than a eulogy and we've all written letters before (even the electronic kind!).
Tell them how much you miss them, what you appreciate about them and how they influenced your life.
This letter can serve as a rough draft for your eulogy, helping you articulate your thoughts and emotions more freely without being bound by the constraints of a eulogy.
13. Take Care of Yourself
I know I've touched upon it already and it just might be the most obvious thing I've added so far BUT.....grieving can take a toll on your physical AND mental health.
Make sure to take care of yourself during this process.
Sometimes easier said than done I know, but get enough sleep, eat well and take breaks when needed. Practice that mindfulness I talked about earlier!
Sometimes, stepping away from your writing for a while, even a quick walk around the block, can help clear your mind and allow you to return with a fresh perspective.
14. Seek Feedback
Don’t hesitate to share your draft with a trusted friend or family member. They can provide valuable feedback and suggestions.
If you have no one around, send it to me and I'll give you some pointers (FOC).
Sometimes, an outside perspective can help you see things you might have missed and offer encouragement when you’re feeling stuck.
15. Trust the Process
As hard as it might seem in the beginning, trust that you will find the right words. Those memories that seem so jumbled and random at first, will find order.
Writing a eulogy is a deeply personal journey. If you're not used to writing anything beyond a shopping list, trust me when I say that you CAN do it.
As I've already said, there is no right or wrong way to do it.
Trust in your love for the deceased and your desire to honour their memory. The words will come, even if it takes a little time.
The Final Word
There's no doubt that writing a eulogy for a loved one is a profound and meaningful endeavour, but not one to be underestimated.
It's natural to experience writer’s block or be daunted by the weight of the task with everything else you have going on but, by embracing your emotions, seeking inspiration from your own memories (and those of loved ones), and taking care of yourself, you can overcome this seemingly insurmountable hurdle.
There's no doubt it's hard, but it's also incredibly fulfilling.
I know it's a bit of a cliche but remember, the most important thing is to speak from the heart.
Your sincere words will honour your loved one and provide comfort to everyone who hears them.
I wish I could see what you come up with! I only ask one thing, please don't be better than me though, I couldn't take it ;-)
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I hope these tips help you if you have to write a eulogy for someone you've lost.
Were there any that you hadn't considered before? Did you use any of them (or similar ones) to help you write? Did I miss any? How did you tackle it? Let me know in the comments below.
Should you need any help with writing a eulogy either from scratch or just editing one that you've written already then I can help. I offer both of those services which you can find on this website, linked here.
If you need to, you can also get in touch with me in numerous ways, all detailed here. Thanks again and take care.
Main blog photo by Jan Kahánek on Unsplash
Comentários