Writing a Eulogy for a Strained Relationship

Losing someone with whom you had a complicated relationship is one of the most emotionally challenging experiences a person can face.

Whether it was a parent, spouse, sibling, or friend, grief becomes even more complex when the relationship was marked by conflict, distance, or unresolved pain.

Photo by Roma Kaiuk🇺🇦 on Unsplash

Writing a eulogy in such circumstances can feel overwhelming. How do you honour someone who hurt you? How do you acknowledge the love that existed alongside the pain? How do you speak honestly without causing further hurt to others who may be grieving differently?

I've wrote plenty of eulogies for clients that fit this description and whilst I obviously wasn't part of that dynamic personally, I was still very conscious of having to tread this path carefully to help and honour all parties involved with my words.

In this post I wanted to offer eight pieces of compassionate and practical advice for you if this is the situation in which you find yourself.

I'll share some of my techniques to help you try and craft a eulogy of your own that balances honesty, respect and healing, even when the relationship was strained.

1. Acknowledge the Complexity of Your Emotions

Before you begin writing, give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions arise, be it anger, sadness, regret, relief, or even numbness.

A strained relationship often leaves unresolved feelings and a eulogy is not the place to suppress them entirely. However, it is also not the place to air grievances.

Take time to reflect on what you loved about this person, the happiest moments you shared, and what you wish had been different.

Ask yourself what you can honestly say without causing pain to others.

By acknowledging your emotions first, you create space for a eulogy that is authentic but considerate.

2. Focus on the Positive (Without Erasing the Truth)

A eulogy doesn’t have to be a full life summary or a list of virtues. It can be a reflection of the best parts of the person, even if those moments were rare.

For example, if you’re eulogising a difficult parent, you might say something like:

"My father was a man of strong opinions, and though we didn’t always see eye to eye, I’ll always remember how he taught me to stand up for what I believe in."

If speaking about a troubled partner, you could say:

"Our marriage had its challenges, but he/she had a laugh that could light up a room, and I’ll always cherish the way he/she cared for our children."

You don’t have to pretend the relationship was perfect, but you can choose to highlight redeeming qualities.

3. Use Neutral or Universal Language

If certain aspects of the relationship are too painful to address directly, neutral language can help.

Instead of saying "We had a lot of fights," you might say "Ours was a complicated relationship, but I know we both tried in our own ways."

Phrases like "Like all relationships, ours had its ups and downs," or "We didn’t always understand each other, but love was still there," allow you to acknowledge difficulty without reopening wounds.

4. Share a Meaningful Memory

Even in strained relationships, there are often moments of connection, small kindnesses, shared laughter, or lessons learned.

Focusing on one such memory can anchor the eulogy in something real and positive.

For instance, you might say:

"One of my favourite memories of my mum was when she taught me how to bake her famous apple pie. We didn’t always get along, but in that kitchen, covered in flour, we found moments of peace."

A single heartfelt story can speak volumes more than a generalised summary of the person’s life.

5. Avoid Blame or Resentment

A funeral is not the place to settle scores. As tempted as you might be, it just isn't worth it.

Even if the relationship was painful, a eulogy should not be used as a platform for accusation. Instead, focus on what can be said with kindness.

Rather than saying, "He was never there for me when I needed him," you could say, "Our relationship taught me a lot about resilience."

If anger is weighing heavily on you, consider writing a private letter to the deceased first to express unfiltered emotions, then revise it for the public eulogy.

6. Recognise Growth or Forgiveness (If Possible)

If there was any reconciliation - even a partial one - acknowledging it can be really powerful. If not, you can still speak to the idea of forgiveness or acceptance.

You might say, "In the last few years, we started to mend things, and for that, I’m grateful," or "I don’t know if we ever fully understood each other, but I’ve come to see how much she shaped me."

Even a small nod toward healing can bring comfort to you and others.

7. Keep It Brief If Needed

If the words don’t come easily, it’s OK to keep the eulogy short.

A few sincere sentences are better than a speech filled with forced or false praise.

For example:

"My relationship with [Their Name] wasn’t always easy, but they were an important part of my life. I’ll remember their strength, their humour and the moments we shared. May they rest in peace."

Incidentally, there's a specific blog about short eulogies and why they work linked at the bottom of this page.

8. Seek Support If You’re Struggling

Writing a eulogy for a strained relationship can bring up intense emotions.

If you’re feeling stuck, talk to a trusted friend or even a therapist, read other eulogies for inspiration, or consider having someone else deliver the eulogy if it’s too painful.

You don’t have to do this alone.

The PostScript: A Eulogy Can Be a Step Toward Healing

Grieving a complicated relationship is never easy, but writing a eulogy can be an opportunity to find closure.

You don’t have to rewrite history or pretend everything was perfect, just speak from the heart in a way that honours the truth without deepening the hurt.

In the end, a eulogy is not just for the person who has passed; it’s also for those left behind, not just you.

By choosing words that balance honesty with compassion, you give yourself (and others) permission to grieve fully, even when the relationship was far from simple.

May you find peace in the remembering you loved one.

---

Thanks for reading. If this is something you've experienced, I'd be fasciated to know how you managed it. Did you avoid mentioning the difficulty altogether or did you circumvent in other ways? Did you use any of the hints and tips I've mentioned? Let me know in the comments below. I read and reply to all of them.

If writing a eulogy in those circumstances is just too difficult, then please get in touch and I'd be honoured to help you. As I said earlier, I've done this kind of eulogy many times so I'm sure I can help you create something special.