Lessons from Grief: How Bereavement Changes Us
- Gary Michaels
- Apr 7
- 7 min read
Grief is one of the most profound human experiences. I'm sure you've experienced it at some point, just as I have. As tough as it is, it also has the ability to reshape us in ways we often don’t anticipate.
The fact is I only started PostScript Eulogies because of the loss of my parents, so you literally wouldn't be reading this blog without me going through the grief I experienced and coming out the other side. As poet Robert Frost once said:
"The only way out is through"
I'm sure you'll agree that the loss of a loved one doesn’t just leave an emotional void; it alters us physically, mentally and psychologically to varying degrees.
While grief is universal, its impact is deeply personal, affecting each individual differently.
Understanding how bereavement changes us can help navigate the painful journey toward healing.
With this blog I wanted to explore the multifaceted effects of grief, how we can successfully navigate its effects and also offer insights into how we can all overcome them and find a way forward.
How Bereavement Changes Us
The Physical Impact of Grief
Grief isn’t just an emotional experience, it takes a tangible toll on the body. Many people, myself included, are often surprised by how physically exhausting mourning can be. That is why taking care of our physical health during bereavement is crucial.
Some common physical symptoms of grief include:
Fatigue and Sleep Disturbances
The emotional weight of loss can make restful sleep difficult, leaving individuals feeling drained.
Grief can disrupt sleep, but maintaining a bedtime routine and avoiding screens before bed can help regulate sleep patterns.
Prolonged grief can also lead to insomnia or excessive sleeping.
Weakened Immune System
Chronic stress from grief suppresses the immune system, making mourners more susceptible to illnesses.
Studies have shown that bereaved individuals are at a higher risk of infections and prolonged recovery times.
"Broken Heart Syndrome" (aka Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy)
Intense grief can trigger a temporary heart condition that mimics a heart attack. This is caused by a surge of stress hormones.
This highlights the deep connection between emotional pain and physical health.
Appetite Changes
Some people lose their appetite entirely, while others turn to food for comfort, leading to weight fluctuations.
Digestive issues, such as nausea or stomach pain, are also common.
Even when appetite is low, nourishing the body with healthy foods can support overall well-being.
Overcoming Physical Effects
While it may feel impossible, small actions can make a difference an help you avoid these, namely:
Prioritise rest - Establish a sleep routine, even if sleep is difficult.
Nourish your body: Eat balanced meals, even in small portions.
Gentle exercise: Walking or yoga can help regulate stress hormones.
Seek medical advice: If physical symptoms persist, consult your Doctor to help rule out any underlying health concerns.
The Mental and Cognitive Effects of Grief
Grief doesn’t just weigh on the heart, it clouds the mind too. Many people who have been bereaved report feeling mentally 'foggy' or forgetful after a loss.
These symptoms can include:
Difficulty Concentrating
The brain’s prefrontal cortex, responsible for focus and decision-making, is impaired by grief. This is sometimes referred to as 'brain fog'.
This can lead to forgetfulness, distraction and trouble completing tasks.
Emotional Overwhelm
Mood swings, irritability and sudden bouts of crying are common.
The brain processes grief in waves, making emotional regulation difficult.
Intrusive Thoughts and Rumination
Many bereaved individuals replay memories of their loved one or obsess over "what if" scenarios.
This is the mind’s way of trying to make sense of the loss you're experiencing. This can be especially prevalent if the death if sudden or inexplicable
Anxiety & Depression
The loss of a loved one can trigger fears about the future and our own mortality.
A deep sadness that lingers beyond typical mourning can develop into clinical depression.
Hallucinations or Dreams
Some people hear or see their loved one, especially in the early stages of grief. It's worth pointing out that this is a normal response to loss.
Overcoming Mental Challenges
Be patient with yourself - Accept that cognitive function may be temporarily impaired.
Write things down - Lists and reminders can help with forgetfulness.
Practice mindfulness - Meditation can ground your scattered thoughts.
Talk it out - Therapy or support groups can help process intrusive thoughts.
The Psychological and Emotional Transformations
As anyone who has experienced it will tell you, grief is not just an emotional occurrence; it manifests in the body as well.
As I hope I've shown already, grief can also reshape our inner world, altering how we see ourselves and our place in life. This can result in:
1. Identity Crisis
Losing a loved one, especially a spouse, parent, or child, can make us question who we are without them. Roles shift, routines dissolve and self-concept may feel unstable.
2. Existential Questions
Grief often forces us to confront mortality, meaning and spirituality. Some find solace in faith, while others struggle with anger or doubt.
Incidentally, I've write a more detailed blog on mortality which you can read here.
3. Emotional Numbness or Detachment
In early grief, shock can create a sense of unreality. Some people describe feeling 'numb' or disconnected from life.
4. Post-Traumatic Growth
While grief is painful, many eventually experience personal growth; greater empathy, deeper relationships, or a renewed sense of purpose.
Navigating Psychological Shifts
Allow yourself to feel - Suppressing emotions prolongs healing.
Reconstruct your identity - If grief has you feelling like you've lost who you are, explore new roles or hobbies that honour your loss while fostering growth.
Seek meaning - Journalling, volunteering or rituals can help integrate loss into life’s narrative.
Consider therapy - If symptoms of depression or anxiety become unmanageable, therapy or counselling can provide invaluable support. Professional support can guide you through the complex emotions you're feeling.
Practice self-compassion – Understanding that forgetfulness and emotional distress are natural parts of grieving can reduce frustration with oneself.
Break tasks into small steps – This can help with feeling overwhelmed and improve focus.
Engage in mindfulness or meditation – Techniques such as deep breathing and meditation can calm the mind and reduce anxiety.
How to Move Forward After Loss
Despite what you might hear, healing from grief isn’t about just 'getting over' a loss, but rather learning to live with it.
The Emotional and Psychological Transformation
Bereavement can fundamentally alter our sense of self and how we view the world.
Some of the emotional changes you might encounter include:
Identity shifts – Losing a spouse, parent, or child can change how we see ourselves. If the loss of a loved one makes you a widow, an orphan or a bereaved parent; these are new identities that take time to adjust to.
Feelings of guilt – Many mourners experience guilt over things left unsaid or actions they did or didn’t take.
Changes in beliefs – Some find solace in faith, while others question their spiritual beliefs after a loss.
Loneliness and social withdrawal – The absence of a loved one can lead to feelings of isolation, especially if they were a central part of your daily life.
With that in mind, here are some ways I'd recommend to foster the resilience you need:
:
1. Honour Your Loved One
Creating memorials, whether through photos, stories or charitable acts, keeps their memory alive in a meaningful way.
2. Build a Support System
Isolation intensifies grief. Lean on friends, family or grief support groups who understand the pain you're going through.
Support groups, therapy, or simply talking with understanding friends can alleviate loneliness.
3. Embrace the Grieving Process
Grief has no timeline. Allow yourself to move through it without judgment, knowing that healing isn’t linear. Some people will be able to move forward much quicker than others, but it's not a race.
4. Acknowledge and Accept Emotions
Suppressing grief can lead to deeper emotional struggles. Allowing oneself to feel sadness, anger, or longing is part of the healing process.
5. Find a New Normal
Life after loss will never be the same, but it can still be meaningful. Think about how you can create new traditions, i.e. honouring a loved one’s memory through rituals or meaningful activities can provide comfort.
You can find emotional healing by finding ways to express grief in healthy ways. This can through creative writing, art, music or talking with a friend can be powerful outlets.
As you do, gradually, new routines and joys will emerge from the darkness.
5. When to Seek Professional Help
If grief leads to prolonged depression, suicidal thoughts, or an inability to function, therapy or medication may be necessary. There’s no shame in needing extra support at all, so speak to your Doctor in the first instance if you're struggling to come to terms with your loss.
The PostScript
Though obviously painful, grief can teach us profound lessons about love, resilience and the fragility of life. It reminds us of what truly matters and often deepens our capacity for compassion.
Although grief is painful, it can lead to personal growth. Many people find new meaning in life after loss, developing greater resilience, deeper empathy, and a renewed appreciation for the present.
Others discover a sense of purpose, dedicating themselves to causes their loved one cared about or strengthening connections with others.
I think there's little denying that bereavement changes us; sometimes in ways we resist, sometimes in ways we later appreciate. The key is not to rush the process but to allow grief to shape us without destroying us.
As author C.S. Lewis wrote after losing his wife:
"Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape."
The journey through grief is arduous, but it can also lead to unexpected strength, wisdom and even gratitude for the love that made the loss so profound.
Moving forward does not mean forgetting; it means carrying our loved one’s memory in a way that allows us to live fully.
Grief reshapes us, but with time, care, and support, we can emerge stronger, more compassionate and with a renewed sense of life’s preciousness.
If you are grieving, know this; you are not alone. Your pain is valid and healing, though slow, is possible. Thanks for reading.
Thank you for reading this blog. I'd love to know your thoughts. Have you been physically or mentally affected by a loss? How did you get through it? Was there something that really helped you that I haven't mentioned it here? Let me know in the comments below.
Should you need any help with a bespoke eulogy for a loved one, then please get in touch. I can help you write the perfect tribute to your loved one that honours their life and gives comfort to family and friends.
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