Can you believe it's that time of year again? I mean already???
However you feel about Christmas (and how quickly it seems to come around every year), there's no denying that, for most of us, the festive season carries with it an expectation of joy, togetherness and celebration.
But, for those grieving the loss of a loved one, the festive period can feel like an emotional minefield you're forced to traverse.
When the anniversary of a loss coincides with a celebration like Christmas, or even Kwanzaa or Hanukkah, the season’s gift-giving, bright lights and cheerful songs can amplify feelings of absence and sadness.
Even Mariah Carey's annual festive vocals don't seem to help, so coping with loss at Christmas is something we all need to manage.
Balancing the traditions of Christmas (or any celebration) with honouring a loved one can be challenging for sure, but it’s not impossible.
Having first-hand experience of this, I wanted to put together a practical yet thoughtful guide on how to navigate this delicate balance, providing room for grief while still finding moments of comfort and meaning.
Acknowledging the Loss
I know from personal experience that the first step to coping with a festive season loss is to accept that it will feel different. As much as you want it to be the same as years gone by, it just won't be.
Rather than pushing the grief aside or pretending it doesn’t exist, acknowledge its presence.
The love and memories tied to the person you’ve lost deserve recognition, even amidst the tinsel and turkey.
Create Space for Reflection
For all the hustle and bustle of Christmas, make sure you dedicate time during the season to remember your loved one.
This might include:
Visiting their grave or a special place associated with them, or maybe even somewhere you both loved going to.
Lighting a candle in their honour during your Christmas celebrations.
Writing a letter or journalling your thoughts and memories of them.
Any of these conscious acts of remembrance can help integrate their presence into your Christmas traditions, easing the internal conflict of celebrating while you mourn them.
Share Memories With Others
For all the togetherness Christmas can bring to many, grief can often feel isolating.
You may find that others who knew and loved the person want to share their own stories.
To do this, I'd consider:
Hosting a small gathering of family and friends to share anecdotes and photos.
Including a moment of silence or a toast to honour them during Christmas dinner.
Adding an ornament or bauble to your tree that symbolises their memory.
If you're in the UK, I'd recommend Not On The High Street. I've no connection to them and it's not a sponsored link or anything but I have used them just for this purpose and they were great.
Balancing Grief and Festivities
When a loss is fresh, it’s natural to feel conflicted, even guilty, about participating in Christmas / holiday traditions.
It might seem inappropriate to celebrate, but embracing moments of joy doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten or disrespected your loved one.
Set Boundaries
You’re allowed to decide how much of the festivities you want to engage in. If large gatherings feel inappropriate or overwhelming, consider smaller, more manageable events.
If you get offers for parties, you don't have to ignore them or disregard them out of hand. Just politely communicate your feelings to friends and family, try something like:
“I might leave early if it gets too much.”
“This year, I’d like to keep things quieter and simpler.”
I'm sure they'll understand.
Adapt Traditions
You also don’t need to uphold every Christmas tradition. Feel free to let go of rituals that feel too painful or draining this year, and instead, create new ones that align with your emotional state.
For instance:
Replace a boisterous Christmas morning with a more serene walk in nature (even the local park).
Swap the usual extravagant decorations for something simpler, with symbolic elements like a wreath or garland dedicated to your loved one.
It doesn't have to mean previous traditions are gone forever, you can always revisit them in the future. You might find you prefer a more relaxed Christmas. Time is a great healer after all.
Dealing With the Anniversary Itself
When a loved one’s passing coincides with Christmas, the anniversary can feel doubly poignant.
Finding ways to mark the day meaningfully can help bring some solace to you and those closest to you.
Honour Their Legacy
Celebrate what they brought into your life by incorporating their passions or values into your activities:
If they loved music, play their favourite carols or Christmas songs.
Cook or bake a dish they adored as part of your festive meal.
Donate to a charity or volunteer in their name.
Plan Ahead
Rather than letting the anniversary ambush you emotionally, plan how you want to spend the day.
Some people prefer solitude and reflection, and that's OK, while others find comfort in being surrounded by friends and family.
At the end of the day, you do what works for you.
Supporting Others in Their Grief
Even if you’re not grieving personally but know someone who is, your sensitivity and support will make a significant difference to them, especially at this time of year.
Offer Practical Help
Holidays like Christmas bring logistical challenges, and grief can sap someone’s energy for tasks like shopping or decorating.
Offer to help with specific tasks, such as:
Setting up Christmas lights or putting up the tree.
Wrapping presents on their behalf.
Running errands, delivering cards or assisting with meal prep.
Listen Without Judgment
A grieving person may want to talk about their loved one, or they may not.
Let them guide the conversation and try to avoid clichés like “They’d want you to be happy.”
Instead, simple acknowledgements such as, “I’m here if you need anything” can be more comforting.
Finding Moments of Comfort
Christmas isn't binary. The holidays don’t have to be entirely joyful or entirely sorrowful, they can hold space for both in varying degrees.
By seeking out moments of comfort, you can ease the heaviness of grief without forcing yourself into a false sense of cheer.
Engage in Self-Care
Grief can be physically and emotionally exhausting, so prioritise activities that help restore your energy, such as:
Practicing mindfulness or meditation.
Taking a long bath or reading your (or their) favourite book.
Treat yourself to a quiet evening with your favourite comfort food and Christmas movies.
Lean on Rituals
Rituals, both old and new, can bring a sense of grounding and continuity.
This might include attending a church service, participating in a community event, or simply spending time decorating your home with care and intention.
Look for Signs of Hope
Grief has a way of sharpening your awareness of what matters most, especially at this time of year.
Pay attention to small moments of beauty; snowflakes falling, the excitement and laughter of children, or the simple warmth of a loved one’s hug.
These fleeting joys can coexist with your sorrow, offering glimpses of light amidst the darkness.
A Message of Permission
Finally, it’s important to permit yourself to grieve in your own way.
There's no right or wrong way to do it and there’s no rulebook for how to handle loss during the holidays or any other time, and nor should there be. We all deal with it differently.
Some years, you might feel up to celebrating fully; other years, you might prefer quiet reflection. Both are perfectly valid.
Allow yourself to feel joy without guilt and sadness without shame. Grief is a testament to love, and love, in turn, is what makes the festive season meaningful.
By weaving your loved one’s memory into the fabric of your Christmas traditions, you can create a season that honours both your sorrow and your celebration.
After all, isn't that a bittersweet harmony that reflects the complexity of life itself?
Coping With the First Christmas After a Loss
The first Christmas after losing a loved one is often the hardest.
The absence of their presence on such a special occasion so geared around togetherness can feel overwhelming and holiday traditions may suddenly seem hollow or bittersweet.
This milestone requires special care as you navigate unfamiliar emotions and the inevitable void their absence leaves.
Acknowledge That It Will Be Different
As I touched on earlier, the fact is the first Christmas without your loved one will not be the same as those before.
Trying to recreate the past exactly as it was may amplify feelings of loss. Instead, allow yourself to experience the holiday as it is now.
It's going to be different obviously, but it can still be an opportunity for moments of connection and meaning.
Permit Yourself to Feel
It’s natural to experience a rollercoaster of emotions, from sadness and anger to unexpected moments of joy.
This is especially true on the first anniversary of many celebrations, including birthdays, anniversaries, Easter and, of course, Christmas.
My Dad died about 3 weeks before Christmas in 2021 and whilst the last thing I wanted to do was fully embrace everything that comes with the festive season, I was also conscious that, having children, I still had a responsibility to make it a fun experience for them.
That balance was tough, but I got through it and you can too.
Let yourself cry if you need to and smile when something warms your heart. Accepting these feelings without judgment can help you process your grief.
Decide What Traditions to Keep (or Let Go)
Certain traditions might feel too painful to continue, especially if they are closely tied to your loved one. Believe me when I say that that is OK and you have options.
You could:
Pause traditions for a year and revisit them when you feel ready.
Adapt your traditions by incorporating a tribute to your loved one, such as setting an extra place at the table or creating a memory ornament (or box).
Start new traditions that feel more manageable, like a quiet evening of reflection or a simplified version of your usual celebrations.
Involve the Family in Decision-Making
If you’re grieving as part of a family, open communication is key, especially if the plan is to spend the day together.
Each person may have different feelings about how to approach the first Christmas.
Some may want to keep things as normal as possible, others may need a complete change and some may not want to celebrate it all.
Talk together to find a balance that works for everyone because each view is valid.
Take It One Day at a Time
The buildup to Christmas can be just as emotionally taxing as the day itself.
If it helps, you can break the season into smaller, more manageable steps including:
Focus on what you need today, rather than the entire festive season.
Give yourself permission to decline invitations or take breaks when you need to.
Plan downtime between events to rest and recharge.
Plan a Tribute for Christmas Day
For many, creating a special tribute can help transform Christmas from a source of pain into an opportunity to honour their loved one’s memory.
Consider:
Setting up a memory table with photos, candles and meaningful items.
Sharing stories about your loved one as part of your Christmas dinner.
Watching their favourite holiday film or playing a song they loved.
These simple acts of remembrance can provide a sense of continuity and help you feel connected to your loved one, even in their absence.
Lean on Support Systems
It’s OK to admit that you’re struggling. Reach out to friends, family, or a counsellor who can provide emotional support during this challenging time.
Sharing your feelings, even briefly, can lighten the burden.
If those around you are also grieving, you can support each other by openly acknowledging the loss and offering comfort through shared memories and moments of togetherness.
Practice Self-Compassion
As I touched on earlier, the first Christmas is bound to bring challenges. Be gentle with yourself if you find it difficult to embrace the holiday spirit.
Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a grieving family member or close friend.
Whether you choose to retreat from the festivities altogether or find solace in them, remember there’s no right or wrong way to navigate this season.
Your feelings are valid, and taking care of yourself is the best gift you can give during this tender time.
By approaching the first Christmas with patience, flexibility and a willingness to honour your emotions, you can begin to create space for both grief and healing.
It's a delicate balance for sure but one that acknowledges the love you shared and the holiday’s potential for renewal.
The PostScript
Coping with death at Christmas is a deeply personal journey, one that requires compassion, for yourself and others.
While the festive holidays may never feel quite the same, they can still hold moments of peace, connection and remembrance.
By blending traditions with tributes, seeking support when needed and allowing space for both grief and joy, you can navigate the season in a way that feels right for you.
Let's not forget that, in doing so, you may discover a new depth to the spirit of Christmas, one that embraces not just the light, but also those darker shadows, with grace and love. Merry Christmas, you got this.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I hope it helps you navigate the festive season, I know exactly what you're going through. If you've been through it, I'd love to know what you think. Did I miss anything? Was there anything you did that I haven't mentioned that helped you that someone else reading this might find useful? Let me know in the comments below.
If you enjoyed my writing, I publish new blogs on this website every week and two newsletters a week on my Substack, so please come back and check them out. If you're on BlueSky, then you can follow me there too. Thanks again and look after yourself.
Main blog photo by Jem Sahagun on Unsplash
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