Eulogies are deeply personal and emotional reflections delivered in honour of those who have passed away.
They provide a space to celebrate a person's life, recall shared memories and offer solace to the grieving.
However, crafting a eulogy becomes especially challenging when the relationship with the deceased is difficult, complex, or, shall we optimistically say 'less than ideal'.
As humans, we go through the gamut of emotions with those closest to us or those we encounter along our way through life.
We laugh together, learn together, live together and support each other through thick and thin. But what if there's more thick than thin? What if it wasn't all sweetness and light? What if you find yourself in a position where you need to write a eulogy about someone who we didn't always see eye-to-eye with?
Difficult Relationships In A Eulogy
In all our relationships, even the most loving, there are going to be times when we fall out, we disagree, we argue, and we might even fight occasionally (hopefully not physically, but yeah, sometimes that too) even with those we share our lives with. In extreme cases, we might even go as far as to 'unfriend' them on Facebook. Can you imagine!
Seriously though, whether you make up or not, when they pass, how does one navigate the intricate web of emotions, memories and unresolved conflicts with grace?
In this blog, I wanted to explore how to write a eulogy that honours the deceased while acknowledging the complexity of your relationship with them.
Understanding the Purpose of a Eulogy
When writing and delivering a eulogy, it needs to tick a lot of boxes because it has to serve multiple purposes: not least it needs to commemorate the deceased, provide comfort to those closest to them, those mourning their loss and offer a sense of closure to all of them.
When the relationship with the deceased was fraught with difficulties, the challenge lies in balancing honesty with respect, and authenticity with sensitivity.
The goal is not to rewrite history or pretend that everything was perfect (I don't think anyone has that) but to find a way to speak truthfully and compassionately. If that's where you are, how and where do you start?
Reflecting on the Relationship
Before putting pen to paper, take some time to reflect on your relationship with the deceased. It's always better to take a few moments to think about what you're going to write, rather than just dive straight in.
These thoughts may vary depending on who the eulogy is for, i.e. it may be different if it's a relative, like a parent or sibling, than if it was a friend, so consider the following:
Identify Key Moments: What are the significant moments that defined your relationship? Were there times of joy, understanding, or mutual respect despite the difficulties?
Acknowledge Mixed Emotions: It's natural to feel a mix of emotions, from sadness and regret to relief or unresolved anger. Recognising these feelings can help you approach the eulogy with more clarity.
Focus on the Deceased's Humanity: Everyone has flaws and virtues. By focusing on the multifaceted nature of the deceased, you can present a balanced perspective.
Finding the Right Tone
Striking the right tone is crucial in a eulogy for someone with whom you had a difficult relationship.
If I were you, I'd aim for a tone that is respectful, honest and empathetic.
Here are some tips to help you achieve that:
Be Respectful: Regardless of the complexities, remember that a eulogy is not the time to settle scores or air grievances. Speak with respect for the deceased and the feelings of other mourners.
Be Honest but Gentle: You don't need to gloss over the difficulties, but you can acknowledge them in a way that is gentle and understanding. For example, instead of saying, "We often fought" you could say something like, "We had our differences, but those moments shaped who I am today."
Emphasise Growth and Lessons Learned: Highlight how the relationship, despite its challenges, contributed to your growth or taught you valuable lessons.
Structuring the Eulogy
A well-structured eulogy helps convey your message clearly and respectfully.
Whilst there are no rights and wrongs, as a professional eulogy writer, here is a suggested outline.
Introduction Begin with a brief introduction, acknowledging the difficulty of the task and the mixed emotions you feel. People will appreciate your openness. For example: "Standing here today, I find myself grappling with a flood of emotions. My relationship with [Insert Name] was complex, filled with both meaningful moments and challenges."
Shared Memories Share anecdotes and memories that illustrate the multifaceted nature of the deceased. Highlight moments of connection, humour, or mutual respect. Say something like "I remember the times we spent discussing books and movies. Despite our differences, we shared a love for storytelling that brought us together."
Acknowledgment of Challenges Gently acknowledge the difficulties in your relationship without dwelling on negativity. You could say something like "We didn't always see eye to eye, and there were moments of friction. But even in those times, [Insert Name]'s passion and intensity were undeniable."
Positive Attributes and Contributions Focus on the positive aspects of the deceased's personality and their contributions to your life and others'. Try "[Insert Name] had a remarkable work ethic and an unwavering commitment to [their profession/interest]. They may not have realised it but they taught me the value of perseverance and dedication."
Lessons Learned Reflect on the lessons you learned from the relationship and how they have shaped you. Use a sentence like "Through our ups and downs, I learned the importance of resilience and the value of seeing things from different perspectives."
Conclusion Closing a eulogy can be hard, but I'd recommend ending on a note of gratitude and peace, expressing hope for healing and remembering the deceased with compassion. End with something like "Though our relationship was not without its struggles, I am grateful for the moments we shared and the lessons I learned. May [Insert Name] rest in peace, and may we find comfort in the memories we hold dear."
Practical Tips for Writing the Eulogy
Write from the Heart: Authenticity resonates with people. Write honestly and from the heart, and don't be afraid to show vulnerability.
Seek Input from Others: If you find it difficult to capture the essence of the deceased, seek input from others who knew them. Different perspectives can help paint a fuller picture.
Practice Your Delivery: Practice reading the eulogy aloud. This will help you gauge the tone and make any necessary adjustments. It will also give you confidence during the actual delivery.
Take Care of Yourself: Writing a eulogy for someone with whom you had a complex relationship can be emotionally taxing. Take breaks, seek support from friends or family, and give yourself time to process your feelings.
Navigating Emotional Turbulence
It’s natural to feel a whirlwind of emotions when writing a eulogy for someone with whom you had a difficult relationship. It's hard even at the best of times!
If this is the position in which you find yourself, here are some strategies to manage these emotions for effectively.
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Suppressing emotions can lead to increased stress and anxiety. Acknowledge what you’re feeling and give yourself permission to experience these emotions.
Seek Support: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about your feelings. Sharing your thoughts can provide relief and clarity.
Find a Quiet Space: Create a quiet, comfortable space where you can reflect and write without distractions. This can help you focus and connect with your emotions.
The Power of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a powerful tool, both for the deceased and for yourself. All too many of us only learn this after it's too late.
Even if reconciliation wasn’t possible in life, expressing forgiveness in your eulogy can bring a sense of peace and closure.
It doesn’t mean forgetting the difficulties, or pretending everything was all 'sweetness and light' but rather acknowledging them and consciously choosing to move forward with compassion.
Honouring the Deceased's Legacy
Finally, consider how the deceased’s legacy lives on. Despite the complexities, they may have left a positive impact on the world, on you, or on others.
Highlighting their legacy can be a meaningful way to conclude your eulogy.
For example, you could say something like
"While our relationship had its challenges, [Their Name]'s impact on [their community, profession, or family] was profound. Their dedication and passion will continue to inspire those who knew them."
The Final Word
Writing a eulogy for someone with whom you had a turbulent relationship is undoubtedly challenging.
It requires a delicate balance of honesty, respect and empathy. By reflecting on your relationship, finding the right tone and focusing on the positive aspects of the deceased’s life, you can absolutely craft a eulogy that honours them with grace.
Remember, the eulogy you write is not just a reflection of the deceased’s life, but also a testament to your journey towards understanding, forgiveness and peace.
In navigating this emotional terrain, you have the opportunity to heal, to celebrate the good amidst the bad, and to find closure in the complexity of human relationships, the one thing we all have in common to some degree.
Ultimately, a eulogy is a final gift of words, a tribute that acknowledges the whole person, with all their imperfections and virtues, something else we all have, and honours the shared journey of life we're all travelling.
I hope you've taken some value from this blog post and it's given you some food for thought. I also hope it's given you some ideas on how to tackle a eulogy for someone in your life whom you may have had a difficult relationship with. If it's something you have personal experience of, then I'd love to know what you think. Did I miss anything? How did (or would) you tackle it? Have you listened to a eulogy that tackled it well (or missed the mark completely)? Let me know in the comments below.
If you need a eulogy writing and need some help, then please get in touch. Whether you want one writing from scratch or just need an existing one given a polish, then please consider speaking to me or messaging me about it.
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Thanks for taking the time to read this. Take care.
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