Losing a family member is never easy, but when that family member is someone you were estranged from, the emotional landscape becomes even more complex.
Writing a eulogy for someone with whom you had a strained or distant relationship can feel like navigating a minefield of unresolved feelings, societal expectations and personal integrity.upset sick young woman in kerchief sitting and looking away
It's something I've had to navigate multiple times when writing eulogies for my clients. Trust me, it's no easier just because I'm not personally involved. Regardless of the situation, I always have to ask the same kind of questions as you might including:
How do you honour their memory without glossing over the truth of your relationship?
How do you balance emotion, authenticity and respect in a way that feels genuine to you and appropriate for the occasion?
In this blog I wanted to answer these questions and also explore the delicate art of writing a eulogy for an estranged family member, offering guidance on how to approach this challenging task with grace, honesty and compassion.
I've also included some real world examples to help illustrate my points using my own professional eulogy writing experience. Enjoy.
Understanding the Complexity of Estrangement
Estrangement within families is more common than many people realise.
It can arise from a variety of circumstances; divorce, betrayal, other relationships, differing values, abuse or simply growing apart over time.
Whatever the reason, estrangement often leaves behind a tangled web of emotions: anger, sadness, regret, guilt and, yes, sometimes even relief.
When the person you were estranged from passes away, these emotions can resurface with a vengeance, making it difficult to know how to process your feelings, let alone express them in a eulogy.
It’s important to acknowledge that estrangement doesn’t erase the history you shared with the deceased
Even if your relationship was fraught with tension or silence, there were likely moments of connection, however fleeting.
A eulogy is an opportunity to reflect on the totality of that relationship, not just the parts that were difficult.
The Purpose of a Eulogy
Before diving into the writing process, it’s helpful to remind yourself of the purpose of a eulogy.
A eulogy is not meant to be a biography, nor is it a platform to air simmering grievances or settle scores.
It is a tribute, above all else, and a way to honour the deceased’s life, acknowledge their impact on others and provide comfort to those who are grieving.
When writing a eulogy for an estranged family member, your goal should be to strike a balance between honesty and respect.
This doesn’t mean you have to pretend everything was perfect, but it does mean focusing on the aspects of their life and their character that are worth remembering.
Think of it as an opportunity to find closure, both for yourself and for others who may be struggling with similar feelings.
Steps to Writing a Eulogy for an Estranged Family Member
Eulogies are hard enough to write in the most ideal of circumstances, but when you need to navgiate an estrangement, things can be even tougher. If that's the position you find yourself, then these steps might help you.
1. Reflect on Your Relationship
Begin by taking some time to reflect on your relationship with the deceased. Consider the following questions:
What were the positive aspects of your relationship, if any?
What lessons did you learn from them, even if the relationship was difficult?
How did their presence (or absence) shape your life or those around you?
Are there any memories or stories that stand out, whether good or bad?
This reflection can help you identify the themes you want to explore in the eulogy. It’s OK if your feelings are mixed, most relationships, especially familial ones, are not black and white.
2. Acknowledge the Estrangement (If It's Appropriate)
Depending on the circumstances, you may choose to acknowledge the estrangement in your eulogy.
This can be done tactfully and without delving into unnecessary detail.
For example, you might say something like:
“Our relationship had its challenges, but I will always remember the times we shared as a family. Though we grew apart over the years, I am grateful for the lessons I learned from [Their Name].”
Acknowledging the estrangement can be cathartic for you and validating for others who may have experienced similar dynamics.
However, if the estrangement was particularly painful or contentious, it may be better to focus on the positive aspects of their life, rather than dwelling on the past.
3. Focus on Shared Humanity
One way to approach a eulogy for an estranged family member is to focus on something we all share, their humanity.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and no one is entirely defined by their mistakes or shortcomings. We've all made mistakes, but they will just be a tiny part of our lives.
Consider highlighting qualities or achievements that others admired about them, even if you didn’t experience those qualities firsthand.
For example:
“My father was a hard worker who always provided for his family.”
or
“My sister had a great sense of humour and could make anyone laugh.”
By focusing on their humanity, you can honour their memory without glossing over the complexities of your relationship.
4. Use Neutral Language
When writing about an estranged family member, it’s important to choose your words carefully.
Always avoid language that is overly critical or emotionally charged, as this can come across as disrespectful or inappropriate for the occasion.
Instead, opt for neutral, compassionate language that allows you to express your feelings without causing discomfort to others.
For example, instead of saying something like:
“We never got along, and they were often cruel to me”
you might say:
“Our relationship had its ups and downs, but I will always remember the moments when we connected.”
5. Incorporate Shared Memories
If you have any positive memories of the deceased, consider including them in the eulogy.
These memories don’t have to be profound or life-changing, they can be simple, everyday moments that capture a different side of the person.
For example:
“I’ll never forget the time we went fishing together when I was a kid. It was one of the few times we really bonded.”
or
“My mother always made the best apple pie, and I’ll always associate that smell with home.”
Sharing these memories can help paint a more complete picture of the deceased and provide comfort to others who may have similar recollections.
6. Seek Input from Others
If you’re struggling to find positive things to say, consider reaching out to other family members or friends who knew the deceased.
They may be able to share stories or insights that you weren’t aware of, which can help you craft a more balanced and respectful eulogy.
This can also be a way to involve others in the process and ensure that the eulogy reflects a broader perspective.
7. Practice Self-Compassion
Writing a eulogy for an estranged family member can bring up a lot of difficult emotions.
It’s important to be kind to yourself throughout the process. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up; anger, sadness, regret or even indifference without judgment.
Remember that your goal is not to create a perfect eulogy, but to honour the deceased in a way that feels authentic to you.
How To Balancing Emotion and Respect
If this is the situation in which you find yourself, here are a few real-world examples I've used in eulogies I've written that show how I balanced emotion and respect in a eulogy for estranged family members.
Obviously I've removed any identifiable personal information.
Example 1: Acknowledging the Complexity
“My relationship with my father was complicated, to say the least. We didn’t always see eye to eye, and there were times when we didn’t speak for years. But despite our differences, I know he loved me in his own way. He was a man of few words, but his actions spoke volumes. He worked tirelessly to provide for our family, and I will always be grateful for the sacrifices he made.”
Example 2: Focusing on Shared Humanity
“My sister and I had our share of disagreements, but I will always remember her as someone who lived life on her own terms. She was fiercely independent and had a zest for adventure that inspired everyone around her. Though we grew apart over the years, I will always cherish the memories of our childhood together.”
Example 3: Highlighting Positive Qualities
“My Dad was a man of many contradictions. He could be stubborn and difficult, but he was also incredibly generous and loyal to those he cared about. I may not have understood him completely, but I respected his unwavering commitment to his principles.”
The PostScript
Writing a eulogy for an estranged family member is undoubtedly challenging, but it can also be an opportunity for growth and healing.
By focusing on the positive aspects of their life, acknowledging the complexity of your relationship and choosing your words with care, you can create a tribute that is both honest and respectful.
Remember, a eulogy doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to come from the heart.
Whether you choose to acknowledge the estrangement or focus on the good memories, the most important thing is that you honour the deceased in a way that feels true to you.
In doing so, you may find a sense of closure and peace that allows you to move forward with compassion and understanding.
Thank you so much for reading my blog, I hope you enjoyed it and it gave you something to think about, especially if it's a position in which you find yourself. Have you been to a funeral where the eulogy had to navigate a difficult relatinship? How did it go? Would you prefer it was handled in your own service... with tact or ignored? Let me know in the comments below.
If you do need any help with writing a eulogy, either a bespoke one written from scratch or one that just needs a professional polish, then I'd be honoured to help. Take a look my services or get in touch and let me know how I can help.
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