Finding the Right Tone For A Eulogy: Serious, Lighthearted or Bittersweet?

Writing a eulogy is one of the most intimate and meaningful things you can do to honour someone you've loved and lost.

It's a chance to speak for them, about them and directly to them, in a way that captures their essence and offers comfort to others mourning their absence. But one of the most important (and often most difficult) decisions you'll face is this: What tone should you / I use?

As a professional eulogy writer, it's a question I have to always keep in mind. Obviously I don't know the person I've been commissioned to write a eulogy for, so I have to take my lead from their family and friends and the information they provide to me.

However, if you're the one writing the eulogy, then you'll no doubt have to think about finding the right tone to ensure you honour your loved one.

Should the eulogy should be serious, a heartfelt tribute steeped in reverence? Should it be lighthearted, filled with warmth and laughter to celebrate their quirks and joy? Or should it strike a bittersweet chord, balancing sorrow and gratitude in equal measure?

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Finding the Right Tone In Your Eulogy

Unfortunately, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer for any of those questions. Whilst each tone definitely has its place, it really depends on many other factors, including the personality of the departed, the nature of their passing and the audience gathered to remember them.

So let’s explore the three of the most common eulogy tones; serious, lighthearted and bittersweet, along with their pros, cons and what to consider when choosing between them to help you find the most fitting way to say goodbye.

The Serious Tone: A Solemn Tribute

A serious eulogy focuses more on honour, respect and reflection. It’s probably the most traditional approach as it's often used in religious or formal ceremonies.

It's especially fitting for individuals who lived with quiet dignity or commanded deep respect in their community, career or family.

Pros of a Serious Tone

• Conveys deep respect - A serious tone can carry the weight of grief in a dignified way, allowing you to honour the deceased without distraction.

• Comforts traditional mourners - Older generations and more formal settings often expect a tone of reverence and solemnity.

• Provides space for shared grief - The seriousness creates room for people to reflect and process their emotions together.

• Appropriate for Formal Settings – If the funeral is in a place of worship or follows strict traditions, a serious tone aligns well.

Cons of a Serious Tone

• Can feel heavy or distant - If not handled with care, a too-serious tone can feel impersonal, especially if it avoids personal anecdotes or humour. Without those moments of lightness, the eulogy could intensify grief, rather than provide comfort.

• Might not reflect the person’s personality - If your loved one was known for their laughter, sense of humour or light-hearted spirit, a solemn eulogy may feel like a mismatch.

• Risk of formality overriding connection - Too much emphasis on titles, achievements, or etiquette can make the speech feel more like a CV than a remembrance.

• Risk of Being Generic – Solemn eulogies sometimes fall into clichés ("They were kind and loving…") rather than capturing their unique qualities.

When to Consider It

Opt for a serious tone when the person led a life marked by tradition, duty, or solemnity, or when the audience would appreciate a more reserved tribute.

It's also appropriate when the grief is too raw for levity or when the circumstances of the death were tragic and don’t lend themselves easily to humour.

The Lighthearted Tone: A Celebration of Life

A lighthearted eulogy brings humour, warmth, and joy into the room. It doesn't mean making light of the death - it means shining a spotlight on the life, love and quirks that made your loved one so unique.

These eulogies often feature funny stories, charming mishaps or affectionate nicknames that remind everyone of happier times.

Pros of a Lighthearted Tone

• Lifts the mood - A laugh shared through tears can be healing. Lightheartedness helps balance sadness with smiles. Incidentally, I've another blog specifically about including humour in a eulogy here if you'd like to read it.

• Reflects a joyful personality - If your loved one was the life and soul of the party or the family joker, it can be the most authentic way to honour them.

• Builds connection through stories - Shared funny memories can help mourners feel less alone in their loss.

• Eases Grief – Laughter can be healing, offering relief in a difficult moment.

Cons of a Lighthearted Tone

• Risk of seeming disrespectful - If not balanced carefully, humour can come across as flippant or irreverent in a funeral setting. If taken too far, jokes might offend more traditional attendees.

• Can alienate those deep in grief - For some, laughter may feel inappropriate or jarring in the face of loss.

• May Feel Incomplete – Avoiding sadness entirely might make the eulogy seem to gloss over the pain of loss.

• Depends on Delivery – Let's not forget that humour is subjective; what’s funny to some may fall flat or upset others.

• Harder to deliver if you’re emotional - Lighthearted eulogies often require strong delivery and emotional control - laughing while crying is endearing, but trying to tell a punchline through sobs can be difficult.

When to Consider It

If the deceased was someone who loved to laugh - or made others laugh - this tone might be a perfect tribute.

It works especially well for celebrations of life, non-religious ceremonies, or when the family explicitly requests a joyful remembrance.

The Bittersweet Tone: A Balance of Grief and Gratitude

The bittersweet eulogy is a delicate blend of sadness and fond remembrance. To be honest, it's the tone of eulogy I personally prefer and thinks work best for most occasions.

I think it works because it acknowledges both the pain of loss while also celebrating the joy of having known the person.

This tone can move from sorrowful to warm and back again, capturing the emotional complexity of saying goodbye.

Pros of a Bittersweet Tone

• Authentically mirrors the grieving process - Grief is rarely one-dimensional. This tone honours both the heartbreak and the beauty of memory.

• Connects widely with the audience - It allows room for both tears and laughter, meeting people wherever they are in their grief. In other words, it honours the full experience.

• Gives a fuller picture - Balancing the good times with a recognition of loss provides depth and humanity.

Cons of a Bittersweet Tone

• Requires careful crafting - It’s a balancing act. Lean too far into either emotion, and the tone can feel uneven or confusing. Harder to execute – Shifting between emotions requires careful, considered writing to avoid it feeling disjointed. Too much sadness overshadows happy memories; too much humour feels dismissive.

• Emotionally challenging to deliver - The swings between laughter and tears can be hard to manage, especially if you’re grieving deeply. May be emotionally draining – Speaking (and listening) to a deeply emotional eulogy can be overwhelming for mourner.

• Not always appropriate in rigid or traditional settings - Some religious or formal services may find a mixed tone less fitting.

When to Consider It

Bittersweet eulogies are often ideal when you want to be honest about your grief while still highlighting the light your loved one brought into the world. They're perfect if you want to capture both the joy and sorrow of saying goodbye.

It’s a particularly powerful tone when the relationship was close, long, or layered or when the deceased had a rich, multifaceted personality. It also works when the audience includes people who appreciated different sides of the deceased.

How to Choose the Right Tone

So how do you decide which tone is best? Here are a few guiding questions I've put together to help you decide::

• What was their personality like? Were they serious, goofy, sentimental, sarcastic, gentle, or bold? Try to match the tone to how they lived, not just how they died.

• What would they have wanted? Would they prefer laughter in the room, or quiet reflection? Some people make their wishes known; others leave it to you.

• What kind of service is it? A traditional funeral may lean serious; a "celebration of life" may welcome humour.

• What does the audience need? Consider the grieving people in the room. Are they stoic and formal, or do they embrace storytelling and humour? Close family might appreciate raw emotion, while work colleagues may expect more restraint.

• What do you feel capable of delivering? Some people are comfortable telling jokes through tears; others aren’t. Choose a tone that you can embody, even if emotions hit hard.

• How do you want people to feel? Comforted? Uplifted? Reflective? Your goal goes a long way to help shape the tone.

I think it's also important to remember that the tone doesn’t have to be rigidly defined. A eulogy can start seriously, then warm into humour. It can close with reflection after moments of levity. It’s OK to blend tones, as long as they feel true and natural.

Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash

Tips for Writing Across All Tones

• Be specific - Whether you're telling a serious story or a funny one, include names, places and moments. Details bring memories to life.

• Practice aloud - The way something reads on paper can sound very different when spoken. Say it out loud and listen to how the tone comes across.

• Watch your pacing - A slow, thoughtful pace helps a serious tone; lighthearted eulogies may benefit from more animated delivery.

• Don’t force it - If the jokes don’t feel right, don’t use them. Writing words and saying them out loud can change, especially at a funeral. If the emotion feels too heavy to be contained in formality, let that guide you.

• Invite feedback: If you're unsure, share a draft with a trusted friend or family member who knew the person. They can help sense-check the tone. Also, speak to others who knew them, i.e. workmates, golf buddies, etc. as they may have displayed different characteristics to different people.

The PostScript: Speaking From the Heart

At the end of the day, I believe the best tone is the one that feels true. True to who your loved one was. True to how you remember them. True to what your heart wants to say.

There’s no award for the most polished performance at a funeral. What matters is that you spoke with love. Whether your eulogy brings a tear, a giggle, or a sigh of recognition, it has done its job if it helps even one person feel less alone in their grief and closer to the person they’re saying goodbye to.

If you’re struggling, try writing different versions and see what connects. Share them with someone who knew the deceased well and see which resonates most. Remember, a eulogy doesn’t have to be perfect (unless I'm writing it!) it just has to be heartfelt and authentic.

So go ahead. Be serious. Be silly. Be sincere. But most of all, be yourself. That’s the voice they loved anyway.

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Would you prefer a serious, lighthearted, or bittersweet tone for your loved one’s eulogy? What about for your own funeral? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

If you need someone to write a heartfelt tribute to your loved ones, please let get in touch and let's have a conversation about how I can help. I can write bespoke eulogies from scratch or help you work on an existing eulogy to make it the best it can be.

Thanks for reading.