Is It Wrong to Refuse to Give a Eulogy?

Many of us have been there at some point.. The question lands in your inbox, a notification pops up on your phone, or a relative whispers it to you at a tense family gathering following the loss of a loved one... "We'd like you to speak at the funeral".

Being asked to deliver a eulogy is often framed as an honour, a testament to your close relationship with the deceased or your eloquence under pressure. But for the person receiving the request, it can feel less like an honour and more like an anchor.

For some, that simple request feels natural, even necessary. For others, it feels overwhelming, exposing, or simply impossible. So maybe, somewhere between those reactions lies the answer to that deeply human question.

If you have ever been in this difficult position, you'll know the internal war that follows. Of course you want to honour the dead, but the thought of standing in front of a room full of grieving people fills you with dread, or perhaps you just didn't have the relationship with the deceased that people thought you did. So, the question emerges: Is it wrong to refuse?

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The short answer is no. The longer answer, however, is a little more nuanced, not least because we're all different with different relationships with those around us. The fact is that behind every "yes" or "no" are layers of ethics, psychology, family politics, expectation, history, and the quiet need for authenticity.

Is It Wrong to Refuse to Give a Eulogy?

I'm not here to tell you what to do. I obviously know nothing about your life or your relationships so ultimately, the decision to speak must be yours, but for me, to answer that question truthfully, then authenticity is key. Whether your reason is profound or seemingly simple, communication is often the bridge between guilt and peace, so let's talk about it.

The Weight of Words: The Psychology of Speaking

Before judging the decision to refuse, we must understand the psychological weight of the task itself.

I've said it many times but delivering a eulogy is one of the most difficult public speaking challenges a person can face. It is performative grief, often conducted while you yourself are in shock. The time between their death and the memorial usually isn't very long, so emotions will be raw.

As one poignant reflection in The Atlantic once noted, there is a distinct terror in the task: you risk not saying it right, leaving something out, or failing to capture the magnitude of a life. But perhaps more terrifying is the illusion of success; the implication that a life could be condensed into a five-minute speech, rendering everything unmentioned insignificant.

For many of us, the fear of public humiliation (breaking down, shaking, or forgetting words) is enough to trigger a refusal. This isn't necessarily selfishness; it is more self-preservation.

Furthermore, the emotional labour involved is immense. I once read an article where an ethicist pointed out in a discussion about family obligations that the work of listening, consoling and performing rituals feels like work; often exhausting, unpaid, and psychologically taxing, but work all the same.

If you refuse to give a eulogy because you know your emotions will render you incoherent, or because the trauma of the loss has robbed you of the ability to formulate words, that refusal is not wrong. It is an act of honesty, both with yourself and with the congregation that would have to witness your struggle.

The Serious Reasons to Say "No"

There are meaningful ethical and social reasons why someone might feel compelled to accept the request. If you were a spouse, child, sibling or lifelong friend, others may see you as uniquely placed to speak.

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A eulogy is not simply a speech; it is an act of witness. It publicly confirms that a life mattered. In many cultures, speaking about the dead is part of honouring them properly, and there can be an unspoken belief that closeness brings responsibility.

From this perspective, declining can appear, at least on the surface, like stepping away from a duty that comes with intimacy. Yet proximity does not automatically equal capacity. Being close to someone does not guarantee you are emotionally equipped to stand up and speak about them in front of a room full of mourners.

There is also the question of what a eulogy offers to others.

A well-delivered tribute can help mourners process grief. It provides narrative and coherence at a time when everything feels fractured. It gathers scattered memories into something shared and meaningful. It gives permission to laugh and cry in the same breath. When you speak, you are not only honouring the deceased; you are serving the living.

For some, refusing may feel as though they are depriving others of comfort that only they could provide. That can be a heavy emotional weight to carry, but this is only one side of the story.

There are circumstances where refusing to give a eulogy is not only acceptable but necessary. These are the "serious" reasons that ethics and civility demand we respect.

1. A Complicated or Abusive History

We often operate under the assumption that all grief is born of love. But sometimes, the deceased was a source of pain.

If the person who died was abusive, neglectful, or the source of deep trauma for you, being asked to eulogise them can feel like being asked to commit perjury against your own history.

Standing at a podium to deliver a "praise speech" (the literal meaning of 'eulogy' by the way) for someone who hurt you is an act of profound personal violence. In such cases, refusing is an act of integrity.

Silence is not disrespect; it is a boundary. As the Torah’s teachings on eulogies suggest, one must be careful not to exaggerate praise to the point of untruth. If you cannot speak well of the deceased without lying, the most ethical choice may be to remain silent.

2. Irreconcilable Family Conflict

Sometimes, the conflict isn't with the dead, but with the living. Funerals can be pressure cookers for family dysfunction, exacerbating any existing arguments or grievances, however small. If you know that your presence at the podium will be met with hostility by some, or if you are estranged from the immediate family making the request, stepping into that breach can turn a sacred moment into a battleground, when all you need is peace.

A refusal based on a desire to keep the peace, to avoid inflaming existing tensions, is a civil and ethical decision.

3. Crippling Anxiety or Phobia

We live in a world that often dismisses mental health as a "simple" reason to decline an obligation, but it is valid.

For someone with a severe anxiety disorder or panic attacks, the prospect of standing before a crowd while grieving could trigger a medical event. Protecting your mental health is a very serious reason, not a trivial one.

The "Simple" Reasons and the Civility of Authenticity

But what about the reasons that feel less valid? The ones that seem 'simple'? Perhaps you just didn't feel like it. Perhaps you were busy. Perhaps you simply don't like public speaking, even in the best of times.

In a culture that demands we perform our grief for others, we often forget that private mourning is just as valid as public mourning.

As writer Charles Warnke mentioned in The Atlantic in 2011, his reflection on the 10th anniversary of 9/11 reminds us, "sometimes the most productive and meaningful sentiments are those that remain our own and remain unstated".

However, there is a line between protecting your privacy and acting out of laziness or spite.

If your reason is "simple", such as a mild discomfort or a preference to avoid the spotlight, civility demands that you examine the needs of the community.

Sometimes, the request for a eulogy is not about you; it is about the collective grieving process. The community needs to hear stories to heal. They need to connect the life that was lived with the promise of memory. By refusing, you might be denying the congregation a moment of closure.

The "Horror Stories": When It's Wise to Refuse

There is another perspective to consider; sometimes, you should refuse because you are not the right person for the job, even if asked. History is littered with funeral "horror stories" where eulogies went off the rails.

Over the years, friends and family of mine have reported numerous 'horror stories' of eulogies stretching on for 45 minutes (way over their scheduled time), containing inappropriate jokes, bad language, or turning the house of God into a comedy club .

I've also heard from clients that they have witnessed family members going 'off-topic' from the eulogy and divulging intimate family secrets, making party political statements, or breaking down uncontrollably to the point of turning the funeral into an "embarrassing emotional roller-coaster" . Their words, not mine!

If you know your temper, your politics, or your tendency to ramble might override the solemnity of the occasion, refusing is the right call. It takes a strong person to admit that they are not the right vessel for the community's grief.

As journalist Jennifer Graham once noted, maintaining the "bright line between the holy and the profane" is essential for the dignity of the service .

The Psychological Impact of the Decision

Interestingly, both saying yes and saying no can shape your grief in different ways.

Those who give eulogies often describe a sense of honour and emotional release. Standing up and speaking can transform helpless grief into purposeful action. It can provide a sense of closure and even pride in having represented someone well. Yet it can also intensify emotional exhaustion and, at times, create tension if family members disagree about what should be said.

Declining, on the other hand, can bring relief and reduce stress. It can allow you to grieve privately without the added pressure of performance. But for some, it can also lead to guilt or later regret, particularly if they feel they missed an opportunity to speak.

In the end, the long-term emotional impact often depends less on the decision itself and more on whether that decision aligned with your values and emotional capacity at the time.

Communication is the Key

Ultimately, if you decide to refuse, how you deliver that "no" matters more than the refusal itself. Ghosting the request or simply not showing up is where ethics and civility break down.

The grieving family is in a state of heightened emotion and potential memory lapses . They may not have the capacity to interpret your silence. Therefore, communication must be clear, kind and firm!

The Conversational Script

If you are refusing for a serious reason (like a difficult history), a private conversation with the closest relative is required.

You don't need to air dirty laundry, but you can be honest. Something like "I loved them, but our relationship was very complicated, and I don't think I'm the right person to speak publicly about their life. I'll be there to support you, but I can't take the podium."

If you are refusing for a psychological reason (fear, anxiety), honesty also works "I'm too overwhelmed. I'm afraid I'll fall apart, and I want the focus to be on celebrating them, not on me having a meltdown."

If you are refusing for a "simple" reason (dislike of public speaking), it is often kind to offer an alternative. You may not want to speak, but could you write down a story for someone else to read? Could you contribute to a slideshow?

As one liturgical expert noted, the funeral rites have phases; the vigil (wake), the liturgy, and the committal . Perhaps you can contribute a "word of remembrance" at the graveside instead of the main Mass.

The PostScript: The Right to Silence

Is it wrong to refuse to give a eulogy? Generally, and in my opinion, no, provided the refusal comes from a place of authenticity rather than apathy.

The best eulogies are born from a genuine desire to honour the dead and comfort the living. If you cannot offer that, if your words would be hollow, false, or choked by fear, then stepping aside is the most honourable action you can take.

The reason to give a eulogy should be yours, and yours alone. Whether your "no" stems from the profound depths of a traumatic past or the simple acknowledgment that you are not a public speaker, your boundary deserves respect.

Just remember that in the space between the request and the response, communication is the key that unlocks guilt.

Talk to the family, explain your boundaries and find another way to lay your wreath of love at the grave. In the end, silence, when chosen with integrity, can be just as eloquent as any speech.

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Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I do appreciate it. I'd love to know your thoughts. Have you ever refused to give a eulogy? What reason did you give? Alternatively, do YOU think it's ever wrong to refuse? Let me know in the comments below. I read and reply to all of them.

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