I've said it before and I'll no doubt say it again, but writing a eulogy for a loved one is one of the most profound and challenging tasks many of us will ever face.
Doing it for a living means that I never underestimate the weight of capturing a person's essence, the memories shared and the emotions felt by those left behind.
The 3 Main Challenges of Writing a Eulogy
If you're doing it yourself, then all that can be overwhelming. In the midst of grief, finding the right words can seem impossible.
However, navigating this journey can also be a deeply healing and meaningful process.
With this blog, I wanted to explore the emotional, practical and creative challenges involved in writing a eulogy, along with some strategies to help you through if you're doing it yourself.
Emotional Challenges
1. Overwhelming Grief
The foremost challenge, especially if you're writing it yourself, is dealing with your own grief.
When you've lost someone close, your emotions are raw and can cloud your thoughts. It can be heard to think of things to include whilst your head is in pieces.
When I wrote them for my own parents, it felt like my world had collapsed but you get through it because it's essential to allow yourself to feel these emotions, rather than suppress them.
Grief is a natural response to loss, and acknowledging it can be the first step in the writing process.
2. Fear of Imperfection
Many people worry about not doing justice to the deceased's memory.
The fear of leaving out important details or not being able to encapsulate the person's life in a meaningful way can be paralysing.
It's crucial to remember that a eulogy is a personal tribute, it's not meant to be an exhaustive biography that covers every facet of their life in exhaustive detail.
Instead, it should be more about sharing your unique perspective and the moments that meant the most to you and many of those moments will have come about through imperfection too, so don't worry so much.
3. Public Speaking Anxiety
For those unaccustomed to public speaking, the thought of delivering a eulogy can add an extra layer of stress to an already difficult situation.
The pressure to hold it together in front of an audience, especially one filled with friends and family also in mourning, can be daunting.
Practicing your speech and focusing on your love for the departed rather than the audience can help alleviate some of this anxiety.
Practical Challenges
1. Gathering Memories
Deciding what to include in a eulogy can be overwhelming. Start by collecting memories from other family members and friends.
This not only provides a richer perspective but also lightens the burden on you alone.
Keep a notebook handy to jot down any memories that come to mind, no matter how small they seem initially.
2. Structuring the Eulogy
A well-structured eulogy has a clear beginning, middle and end. Start with an introduction that explains who you are and your relationship to the deceased.
The body of the eulogy can include stories, anecdotes and reflections on the person's character and impact on others.
Conclude with a message of farewell and possibly a call to action, such as remembering the deceased through acts of kindness or continuing their legacy in some way.
3. Time Constraints
Funerals are typically planned within a short period after death, which can leave limited time to write and revise a eulogy with everything else going on.
Begin by writing a rough draft and then refining it.
Don't worry about getting it perfect on the first try; focus on getting your thoughts down on paper and then polish them afterwards.
Creative Challenges
1. Finding the Right Tone
Balancing humour and solemnity can be challenging. While it’s important to honour the gravity of the occasion, incorporating humour can celebrate the joy the person brought into your life.
Reflect on what the deceased would have wanted and consider their personality. Were they lighthearted and funny, or serious and reflective? Let this guide your tone.
If you're interested, I wrote a full blog on how to incorporate humour into a eulogy which you can read here.
2. Being Authentic
I believe authenticity is key in a eulogy. In other words, speak from the heart and be true to your feelings and memories.
Try and avoid clichés and overly formal language if it doesn’t feel natural to you. Your genuine voice will resonate more deeply with those who knew the deceased.
3. Incorporating Quotes and Readings
Where appropriate incorporating meaningful quotes, poems or religious readings can add real depth to your eulogy.
Choose selections that truly reflect the essence of the deceased or their beliefs.
However, be cautious not to overload your speech with too many external sources; your personal reflections should always remain the focus.
Strategies for Writing a Eulogy
1. Take Time to Reflect
Before you start writing, take some quiet time to reflect on your loved one. Think about what made them special, their passions and the impact they had on your life and others’.
Write down these thoughts without worrying about structure or coherence at this stage.
2. Involve Others
Don’t hesitate to reach out to others who knew the deceased including family, friends and work colleagues. Anyone who knew them well will have something to contribute.
They can provide different perspectives and stories that you might have forgotten or never knew.
This collaborative approach not only enriches the eulogy but also helps you feel less alone in your grief.
3. Write and Revise
Begin with a rough draft, focusing on capturing your thoughts and memories.
Once you have a draft, take some time away from it and then revisit it with fresh eyes.
This process of writing, taking breaks and revising can help you hone your message and ensure it feels right.
4. Practice Out Loud
Reading your eulogy aloud can help you gauge its flow and emotional impact. It also helps you become more comfortable with the words, which can reduce anxiety when it’s time to deliver it for real.
If possible, practice in front of a trusted friend or family member who can provide feedback and support. How it sounds to you won't always be the same as how it sounds to someone else.
5. Be Prepared for Emotion
It’s natural to become emotional while delivering a eulogy. It's perfectly natural. It's also almost impossible to know how you're going to feel until you're actually delivering it.
Have a handkerchief or tissue ready and don’t be afraid to pause if you need to collect yourself, even if you do it multiple times. No-one is going to think any less of you for doing it.
Taking deep breaths and focusing on your love for the person rather than the audience can help you manage your emotions.
The Final Word. Finding Meaning in the Process
Despite the difficulties (and there are many), writing a eulogy can be a profoundly healing experience. It’s an opportunity to celebrate the life of your loved one, to share their story with others and to begin the process of saying goodbye.
The act of reflecting on their life and your relationship with them can bring a sense of closure and peace.
In the end, remember that there is no perfect way to write a eulogy. What matters most is the love and sincerity you put into it.
Your words, spoken from the heart, will honour the memory of your loved one and offer comfort to those who hear them.
Writing a eulogy is undoubtedly one of the most challenging tasks you may face, I know it certainly is for me, but it is also a powerful act of love and remembrance.
By embracing these emotional, practical and creative challenges, and with thoughtful preparation, I truly believe you can create a tribute that truly honours the life and legacy of your loved one.
I hope you that you find value in reading the post. Whether you're writing a eulogy for yourself or just wanted some pointers, hopefully this post has helped. I'd also love to know what you think. If you've written a eulogy what challenges did you come across? How did you overcome them? Did I cover them all here or have I missed any? Let me know in the comments below.
If you need any help in writing a eulogy, then I can help you. Whether you want a bespoke eulogy written completely by myself, or just need your draft editing and given a professional polish, then check out my services.
I publish new blogs on here every week, so please check back again for all the latest posts. Alternatively, you can follow me on X (formerly Twitter) where I'm @PSEulogies.
Comments