What If You Have Nothing Nice to Say About the Person Who Died?
There is an assumption that when someone dies, the people left behind will have something warm, affectionate or uplifting to say about them. Eulogies are usually filled with stories of kindness, laughter, generosity and love. We talk about the wonderful parent, the devoted partner, the much-loved friend or the person who could always make everyone smile.
But what happens when that simply isn't true?
What If You Have Nothing Nice to Say About the Person Who Died?
Being asked to write a eulogy for a family member or a friend who's passed away is usually an honour. It certainly is for me, but I generally don't know those I write for at all anyway. The question then becomes: what if you have been asked to write a eulogy for someone you didn't particularly like? What do you do if you have nothing nice to say about the person who died? What if your relationship with them was difficult, distant or even painful? What if, when you sit down to write, you realise that you genuinely cannot think of anything nice to say at all? All good questions, so let's try and answer some of them.
As someone who writes eulogies for a living, I have had to balance many different family circumstances with my clients, and one thing I learned very quickly after starting PostScript is that grief does not always fit neatly into the traditional idea of a funeral.
Sometimes a person dies who was complicated, difficult or deeply unpopular with someone close to them. Sometimes there are no happy memories to draw upon, and sometimes, despite everything, someone still has to stand up and say a few words about them. That can feel like an impossible task... but it's not!
Why Might You Be the Person Writing the Eulogy?
You might be thinking, "Why would I be asked to write a eulogy for someone I didn't like at all?" and it's a fair point, but there are many reasons why responsibility for a eulogy might fall to someone who did not have a particularly positive relationship with the deceased.
Perhaps you are the person's only surviving relative. Other family members may have died, moved away or become estranged. Perhaps there are no older children, siblings or close friends who feel able to take on the responsibility.
You might be the person who is simply considered the "responsible" one in the family. You may have organised the funeral, dealt with paperwork and spoken to the funeral director, so everyone assumes that the next logical step is writing the eulogy, which naturally falls to you too.
There may also be a complicated family dynamic behind the situation. Other relatives might also have had difficult relationships with the deceased and deliberately distanced themselves. They may not want to attend the funeral at all, let alone write a eulogy about them.
Sometimes the person who died was elderly, and their social circle had gradually diminished. Friends may have died themselves, become ill or lost touch. Alternatively, they may have outlived virtually everyone who knew them well.
Occasionally, you may simply be the person who has been asked because nobody else wants to do it and you just have to step up. None of this makes you a bad person, nor does it mean that you are grieving incorrectly.
1. You Don't Have To Pretend They Were Wonderful
One of the biggest mistakes I think people make when writing a difficult eulogy is to believe that they have to manufacture affection. Trust me when I say, you do not.
A eulogy does not have to claim that someone was kind when they weren't. It does not need to describe them as generous if generosity wasn't one of their characteristics. You don't have to suddenly transform a difficult father into a wonderful dad, or an unpleasant work colleague into a much-loved friend.
Trying to do this will feel dishonest, and it can make writing the eulogy even more distressing. Instead, I'd suggest you think about the purpose of the eulogy.
It is not necessarily to provide a glowing character reference for the person who has died. It is an opportunity to acknowledge their life and the fact that their death has affected the people gathered together on that day.
That distinction can be incredibly helpful. Let's just say that you can tell the truth... without telling the whole truth.
2. Look for the Neutral Ground
When there are no positive memories, look for things that are true, rather than necessarily complimentary.
Perhaps the person was passionate about gardening. You don't have to say they were a wonderful gardener. You can talk about how much time they spent in the garden.
Perhaps they loved football. You can mention the team they supported, the matches they watched or the conversations they had about the sport.
Maybe they had a particular routine, catchphrase, hobby, career or interest that became part of the lives of those around them.
These details, or others, give a eulogy some substance without requiring you to praise someone you don't feel deserves it. Even apparently mundane details can be useful.
What did they eat?
What music did they listen to?
Where did they live?
What work did they do?
What mattered to them?
A person's life consists of more than their relationship with you.
3. Consider the People Who Are Listening
This is where writing a difficult eulogy becomes particularly delicate, in my opinion
I don't doubt that you may have legitimate reasons for disliking the person who died, but other people in the room may have completely different experiences.
A sister may adore the brother you couldn't stand. A friend may remember a generous side of someone you experienced as cruel. A grandchild may have cherished memories that don't resemble your own.
You don't have to invalidate those experiences simply because yours was different.
Equally, you should not be expected to erase your own experience simply to make everybody else comfortable. The answer is usually to avoid turning the eulogy into a courtroom.
A funeral is rarely the appropriate setting for settling old scores, exposing family secrets or listing someone's failings. Even if everything you say is true, there is a difference between honesty and disclosure.
If in doubt, ask yourself: "Does this need to be said here?" If the answer is no, leave it out. That isn't necessarily dishonest. Rather, it can be an act of kindness towards yourself and everyone else in the room.
4. You Can Acknowledge Complexity Without Explaining It
Sometimes the most honest eulogy is one that quietly acknowledges that the relationship wasn't straightforward.
You might say that "our relationship was not always an easy one" or that "like many families, ours had its complications".
You don't need to provide a detailed explanation. This can be particularly valuable if other people know there were difficulties and would find an entirely glowing eulogy uncomfortable or implausible.
There is something powerful about allowing a little truth into the room without making the funeral about conflict. One sentence acknowledging complexity can sometimes say more than several paragraphs of manufactured praise.
What If the Person Genuinely Hurt You?
As if circumstances weren't tricky enough, this is where things become more difficult.
If the deceased was abusive, controlling, neglectful or otherwise caused significant harm, you may be carrying raw emotions that are very different from those expected at a funeral.
You might feel anger. You might feel relief. You might feel nothing at all, or you might even feel guilty because everyone else appears devastated while you are struggling to understand what you are supposed to feel.
There is no requirement that your grief should look like somebody else's.
If the person's death has reopened deep wounds, remember that writing their eulogy does not require you to forgive them. You can acknowledge that their life existed without suggesting that everything they did was acceptable.
At the end of the day, sometimes dignity comes from restraint rather than praise.
What Can You Say Instead?
When I work with clients who are struggling to find positive things to say, I often encourage them to broaden the question. Instead of asking, "What was good about this person?" ask, "What defined this person's life?"
What did they do?
Who did they know?
Where did they live?
What did they believe?
What were they interested in?
What were the important chapters of their life?
What impact did they have on other people?
And perhaps most importantly... What does their death mean for the people who are still here?
That last question can provide an entirely different route into a eulogy.
The speech doesn't have to be exclusively about the deceased's admirable qualities (I'm sure they had some!). It can also be about the end of a chapter, the passing of time, family relationships and the shared experience of saying goodbye.
Don't Let the Funeral Become a Place for Settling Old Arguments
If you have been hurt by the deceased, you may understandably want people to know what really happened, but before including anything difficult, consider what you hope it will achieve.
Will it help you? Will it help someone else? Is the funeral the right setting? Could the same truth be acknowledged privately at another time?
There are occasions when something important does need to be said, but a eulogy rarely needs to contain every uncomfortable detail. You are allowed to protect yourself without publicly attacking the person who has died.
That is not weakness; in fact, it is often wisdom.
What if You Simply Can't Write It?
Sometimes the problem isn't finding the right words. It is that there are too many conflicting emotions to know where to begin.
You may be grieving the relationship you wished you had, rather than the relationship you actually had. You may be grieving childhood experiences, lost opportunities or years of disappointment. You may feel pressured to produce a beautiful tribute for someone who never gave you much to celebrate. I fully appreciate that is a considerable emotional burden.
As a professional eulogy writer, this is one of the situations where having an independent person like me help can be particularly valuable. I can listen to the complicated story without expecting you to rewrite it into something simpler or more comfortable than it really was.
The aim isn't to turn a difficult person into a saint. It is to find the words that allow you to get through the funeral with honesty, dignity and as little additional distress as possible.
The PostScript: A Respectful Eulogy Doesn't Have To Be a Glowing Eulogy
All that being said, perhaps the most important thing to remember is that respect and praise are not the same thing.
You can respect the occasion without pretending to admire the person. You can respect other people's grief without denying your own experience. You can acknowledge someone's death without rewriting their entire life, AND you can choose kindness without lying.
Sometimes the most appropriate eulogy for a complicated person is relatively simple. It may focus on facts, memories, family connections and the significance of the occasion, rather than attempting to construct an elaborate portrait of somebody you didn't particularly like.
That can be more than enough.
A funeral is ultimately about saying goodbye. It is also about the people who remain and the different relationships they each had with the person who has died. Not every goodbye is full of affection. Some are full of sadness. Some contain anger, regret or relief. Some are complicated mixtures of all of these things, and sometimes, when you have nothing nice to say, the kindest thing you can do is find something true to say.
If you have been asked to write a eulogy and are struggling because your relationship with the person who died was difficult, you don't have to face the task alone. Sometimes an impartial professional like me can help you untangle the memories, decide what belongs in the eulogy and find a way of acknowledging the person without compromising your own feelings.
I've said it many times, but the goal isn't to create a perfect eulogy. It is to create an honest, appropriate and dignified goodbye. I hope you do that.
Firstly, let me say thank you so much for taking the time to read my post. If this reflects a situation in which you find yourself, I hope it helps you create something authentic. If not, you know how to get in touch with me. I'd be honoured to help.
I'd also love to know if this is something you had to do in the past. If you're willing to share some details that might help others in our community, please leave a comment below, especially if you used a tip, trick or technique to write the eulogy I haven't mentioned here. Even if you just want to vent, that's OK too. I read and reply to all of them.
Finally, if you did enjoy this post, please give it a '❤️' and feel free to share it on your socials. Maybe someone in your own network might need to read it. There are other relevant blogs you might like linked below, and over 100 others on the site. Thanks again, and take care.
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