How to Collect Stories and Memories for a Eulogy

The request, or rather the responsibility, to write a eulogy can feel like a mountain to climb in the midst of grief.

Where do you even begin? How can you possibly capture a whole life in just a few minutes?

As a professional eulogy writer, the most common fear I hear from my clients at the start of the process is usually "I don't know enough" or "I'm worried I'll forget something important."

I understand these concerns because I've been in that position myself.

Photo by S O C I A L . C U T on Unsplash

The secret I share with everyone I work with is to remember that you are not creating the eulogy alone. A meaningful eulogy is not a solo biography; it is a tapestry woven from the collective memories of everyone who loved the person being honoured. Your role is not to know every story, but to be the curator of those stories.

For them to work effectively, the best eulogies are not simply a list of achievements or a recitation of dates; they're a story. More specifically, a deeply personal story woven from collective memories, anecdotes, quirks and shared moments that paint a true picture of the person who has died.

In the year or so I've been running PostScript, I've seen how powerful these stories can be almost every day.

These stories bring a eulogy to life in a way no CV-like summary ever could, but I understand when you’re grieving, knowing how to collect and organise those memories can feel overwhelming.

The good news? With the right approach, you can gather the stories you need and even uncover moments you may have forgotten that will help you craft a meaningful tribute to your loved one.

In this blog, I will show you how to collect stories and memories for a eulogy, who to ask, what to ask, and how to bring it all together into a coherent narrative.

How You Can Collect Stories for a Eulogy

Whether you’re writing it yourself or leaning on a professional like me, these steps will help you create a eulogy that feels deeply personal and authentic.

Step 1. Cast the Net Wide

As I've just touched upon, I believe the best eulogies aren't written by one voice alone; they're a tapestry woven from the memories of everyone whose life the person touched.

That means the first step is identifying who you can approach for stories.

Here are some groups of people to consider:

• Immediate family: Start with their immediate family; i.e. spouse/partner, children, siblings and parents. They will hold the foundational stories you can build upon: the childhood mischief, the young adult dreams, the quiet moments of love and support. These stories will have deeply personal insights and private moments that many others won't know.

• Extended family: You can then expand the family further with cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents who may recall childhood stories or family traditions. They also often have perspectives from things like family holidays, reunions, and can share stories that highlight the person’s role within the larger family fabric.

• Close friends: From lifelong companions to newer friends who brought fresh energy to the person’s later years. These people are the keepers of their history. They often knew the person before children, careers and mortgages, and they can speak to their core character, their laughter and their loyalty over decades.

• Work colleagues: Easily forgotten, but these people can share stories of professional achievements, office humour, and the ways your loved one impacted their working life. Reach out to current and former colleagues, mentors, or employees. The professional self is a significant part of a person’s identity. Stories from the workplace often reveal integrity, work ethic, leadership, and a surprising amount of humour.

• Community connections: This can also include neighbours, members of their sports team, book club, drinking buddies, or place of worship, even their gardener, or the barista who knew their coffee order by heart. These interactions, though sometimes brief, often reveal the person’s character in the wider world.

• Younger generations: Don't forget the younger members of the family, including grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc. Their perspective often captures the playful, nurturing side of someone.

When in doubt, ask yourself: Who would have a story that shows a different side of this person?

My final tip would be this: don’t be afraid to delegate. Ask a tech-savvy cousin to set up a shared email address, a private Facebook page, or a WhatsApp group where people can submit stories. Ask a calm sibling to help you make the phone calls. You do not have to do all the contacting yourself.

Step 2. Ask the Right Questions

Once you know who to approach, the next step is drawing out those all-important stories.

At this point, people often say to me, “I don’t know what to share” or “I’m not good with words.” That’s where thoughtful questions come in.

People want to help but often freeze when asked a broad question like, "Tell me a story about Mum,". Their minds go blank, so avoid closed questions like "Do you think Dad was kind?"

The key is to ask specific, open-ended questions that trigger a memory bank. A simple “Tell me about a time when…” can unlock stories that a yes-or-no question never could.

Here are some prompts you can use to spark memories:

• Everyday life:

  • What was a typical day with them like?

  • Did they have a particular routine, ritual, or phrase they always used?

• Character traits:

  • How would you describe them in three words?

  • What made them laugh?

  • What would they never be seen without?

• Milestones:

  • Do you remember how they celebrated birthdays or holidays?

  • What was their proudest moment at work, school, or in the family?

• Shared experiences:

  • What’s a memory you’ll always carry with you?

  • Did they ever give you advice you still live by?

• Humour:

  • What was the funniest thing they ever did?

  • Did they have a story they loved to retell, even if everyone had heard it before?

Here are some powerful questions to ask, but use these as a guide. Once you're on a roll, many more will come to mind.

• For Character: "What is the first word that comes to mind when you think of [Their Name]?" or "What was their most endearing or funny habit?"

• For a Specific Memory: "What is your favourite memory of a time you shared a laugh together?" or "Can you tell me about a time they were genuinely proud of someone?"

• For Legacy: "What is a piece of advice they gave you that you’ve never forgotten?" or "What is something you learned from them, big or small?"

• For a Sensory Detail: "What song, smell, or place always reminds you of them?" This can unlock incredibly vivid memories.

• The "Fill in the Blank" Question: "I will always remember [Their Name] for their incredible ______." This simple prompt can yield powerful one-line summaries.

Step 3. Choose Your Method of Collecting

Grief can make conversations difficult, so consider multiple ways of gathering stories.

Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

Different people will respond better to different approaches, so remember you have options. You can do it through:

• Face-to-face chats: Sometimes over a cup of tea or a gentle walk, these can bring out warm, natural stories.

• Phone or video calls: Useful for friends and relatives who live further away.

• Emails or letters: Perfect for people who need time to gather their thoughts. Written stories also make it easier to capture exact words or phrases.

• Voice notes or recordings: Some people find it easier to talk than to write.

• Memory jars or online forms: You can create a simple online questionnaire (via something like Google Forms, for example) for people to contribute stories quickly.

If you’re working with a professional eulogy writer like me, I’ll often take the lead here, asking questions sensitively and recording conversations so nothing is lost. But if you’re collecting stories yourself, mix and match these methods depending on the person you’re approaching.

Step 4. Collating What You Gather

Once the stories start arriving, you’ll likely feel overwhelmed by the sheer variety of disjointed anecdotes. It'll feel like trying to complete a jigsaw puzzle without the complete picture.

Some memories will be short and sweet; others might be rambling, emotional, or even contradictory. That’s normal because you're getting different viewpoints, even sometimes on the same story. Your job isn’t to include everything; it’s really to find the common threads that tie them together.

Imagine you’ve gathered three stories about your loved one:

1. A cousin recalls them sneaking extra biscuits at family gatherings.

2. A colleague remembers how they stayed late to help with a project, even when no one asked.

3. A grandchild laughs about how they always pretended to lose at board games.

Separately, these are nice moments, but together, they paint another picture, a picture of someone playful, generous and humble. That’s the magic of weaving stories into a eulogy: it creates a living portrait far richer than simply saying, “They were kind.”

Here are some techniques to help:

• Create categories: Sort stories under headings like family life, work, friendships, humour, passions and values.

• Look for themes: Do multiple people mention their generosity, love of football, or dreadful singing voice? Whatever they might be, recurring themes often form the backbone of a eulogy.

• Highlight anecdotes: Single stories that perfectly capture a personality trait are often more powerful than long descriptions.

• Balance perspectives: Blend the personal with the professional, the serious with the humorous, the small quirks with the big milestones.

Once you start to put it together, think of it as curating an exhibition: you don’t show every artefact, just the ones that together tell the story best.

Step 5. From Notes to Narrative

This is where the creativity and art come in. Collecting stories is one thing; weaving them into a flowing tribute is quite another.

When a family comes to me with a collection of notes, voice memos, and emails, I see my task not as a writer but as a weaver. I take the individual, colourful threads they have gathered and create a cohesive and beautiful tapestry. You can do the same.

As a professional, I approach this by:

• Finding a central theme: I start by creating a narrative arc. A eulogy, like life, should have a journey. It often starts with gratitude and an acknowledgement of loss, then moves into celebrating the life lived, and concludes with a message of hope and legacy. I structure the themes and stories to follow this emotional arc, ensuring the speech flows smoothly from one idea to the next.

• Shaping the structure: Grief and joy are two sides of the same coin. A great eulogy honours the sadness of loss while also celebrating the joy of the life. I always try to carefully balance heartfelt emotion with light-hearted anecdotes, knowing that laughter in a funeral service is not disrespectful; it is a testament to a life well-loved. You can do this by beginning with an introduction, moving through different aspects of life (family, work, hobbies, etc. ), and ending with a reflection or farewell.

• Blending voices: As you hit your stride, start to weave together stories from the many sources you've collated so the eulogy feels collective, not just one person’s perspective.

• Crafting a Compelling Opening and Closing: Once you have the basic structure, then focus on the start and the end. The first and last sentences are the most important and often the hardest. I commonly use a powerful theme or a quintessential story to open, immediately capturing the essence of the person. The closing is designed to offer comfort and a sense of continuity, perhaps by echoing the opening theme or leaving the congregation with a final, uplifting thought.

• Polishing the Language & Preserve Tone: As it approaches completion, ensure the language is respectful, warm and authentic to the person being remembered. It’s about refining the raw stories into eloquent prose while preserving the unique voice and character within them. In terms of tone, remember balancing humour with gravity, will ensure it sure it feels appropriate for the occasion.

If you’re doing this yourself, don’t worry about making it perfect. Instead, focus on choosing a handful of stories that show different facets of the person. A eulogy doesn’t need to be exhaustive; it needs to be heartfelt.

Step 6. When You Need Help

Not everyone feels confident writing or speaking in public, especially during grief. That’s where professionals like me can help.

As a eulogy writer, my role isn't just to write the words but to:

• Guide families through the story-gathering process.

• Listen carefully and pick up on themes others might miss.

• Craft a speech that flows naturally, balancing emotion with clarity.

• Ensure the final words feel authentic to the person, while also being accessible to the audience.

If you do decide to write it yourself, remember: perfection is not the goal. Sincerity is.

Even a short eulogy filled with genuine memories can be more powerful than a long one that feels impersonal.

The PostScript

The process of collecting stories is, in itself, a profound act of healing. In the days following a loss, sharing memories is how we begin to make sense of our grief. It connects us and reminds us that we are not alone in our love or our sorrow..

Whether you choose to write the eulogy yourself or entrust the final composition to a professional like me, the act of gathering these memories is your greatest gift. It ensures that the full, rich, and beautiful story of your loved one’s life is told.

Let's not forget that you have already taken the most important step by caring enough to want to get it right. The stories are out there, waiting to be gathered. All you have to do is ask.

Collecting them isn’t just about writing a speech. It’s an act of remembrance to bring people together, sparks conversations, and often uncovers moments of joy amid the sadness.

If you’re writing a eulogy for someone you love, don’t feel you need to do it alone. Ask widely, listen deeply, and let those memories guide you.

The anecdotes you collect, whether they’re funny, poignant, or everyday, will give you the building blocks to create a farewell that truly honours the life lived and remember: a eulogy isn’t about saying everything. It’s about saying enough. Enough to remind everyone gathered not just of who the person was, but of why they mattered.

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If you've found yourself in this position in the past, how did you go about writing the eulogy? Did you utilise any of the tips and techniques? Did you use any others you'd be willing to share? What was the most amazing thing you found about your loved one that you didn't know? Let me know in the comments below.

Despite this help, if the task of writing still feels too heavy, please know that seeking help is a sign of strength, not a failure of love. I'd be honoured to be your collaborator, your editor, and your support, ensuring your loved one’s story is told with the grace, dignity and love they deserve. Just get in touch and let's have a conversation about how I can help.