Navigating Complex Grief When Writing a Eulogy
- Gary Michaels
- Jun 23
- 5 min read
Losing a loved one is one of the most painful experiences a person can endure. We've all been there at some point.
For some, grief follows a natural course, gradually easing with time as they adjust to life without their loved one. But for others, grief becomes overwhelming, persistent and all-consuming, making even the simplest tasks feel impossible.
And yet, even in the grip of that experience, people are often called upon to stand at a lectern, facing an expectant crowd and say something meaningful.
These feelings are known as complex grief (but also known as prolonged grief disorder), a condition where the pain of loss remains intense and debilitating long after the death.
When you’re grappling with complex grief, being asked to write and / or deliver a eulogy can feel like an insurmountable challenge.
How do you sum up a life when your own emotions are so raw and unrelenting?
How do you capture someone’s life in words when your own world feels fractured beyond repair?
How do you honour the memory of someone whose absence feels like a wound that refuses to close?
How do you honour them when grief has left you exhausted, numb, or even angry?
As a professional eulogy writer, I've worked with a number of people navigating this exact terrain so I wanted to try and offer guidance to those facing the dual challenge of processing complex grief while trying to find words that feel adequate, appropriate and authentic.
I also wanted to explore how to navigate complex grief when it comes to writing a eulogy, offering practical strategies, emotional support and permission to grieve in a way that feels authentic to you.
Understanding Complex Grief
Before tackling the eulogy, it’s important to recognise how complex grief differs from typical grief.
Complex grief is a condition that arises when grief becomes so persistent and intense that it interferes with a person’s ability to function.
Unlike typical grief, which tends to ebb and flow over time, complex grief remains overwhelming and constant.
Generally, prolonged grief disorder is marked by:
Intense, persistent longing or preoccupation with the deceased.
Difficulty accepting the death.
Emotional numbness or detachment.
Avoidance of reminders of the loss (or, conversely, excessive focus on them).
Feeling that life has lost meaning.
Inability to engage in daily activities.
Unlike normal grief, which softens over time, complex grief lingers, often worsening without intervention.
It’s grief with no end in sight and writing a eulogy under these conditions can feel like being asked to describe the sun while standing in the middle of a storm... but it is possible and doing so may, paradoxically, become a part of your healing, if approached gently, with care, and without pressure to "perform" a perfect goodbye.
If you’re experiencing this, writing a eulogy may feel like reopening a wound, but it can also be a step toward healing. Let's look at how.
Why Writing a Eulogy Can Be Especially Hard with Complex Grief
For someone with complex grief, the act of writing a eulogy can trigger a number of things including:
Overwhelming Emotions - Putting feelings into words may bring up intense sorrow, guilt or anger.
Pressure to “Perform” Grief - There’s often an unspoken expectation to sound composed or uplifting, which can feel impossible.
Fear of Forgetting or Misrepresenting the Deceased - You might worry about not doing their memory justice.
Isolation - If others seem to be “moving on,” you may feel alone in your grief.
Recognising these challenges is the first step in approaching the eulogy with self-compassion.
How to Write a Eulogy When Grief Feels Unbearable
1. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve
There’s no “right” way to write a eulogy. If you need to cry, pause, or write in fragments, that’s OK. Your grief is valid and the eulogy doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be true.
2. Start Small - Use Prompts
Staring at a blank page can be paralysing. Instead, try answering simple questions:
What’s your favourite memory of them?
What’s something they loved?
How did they impact your life?
Jot down bullet points first; you can shape them into a speech later.
3. Write as if Speaking to Them (Not About Them)
Sometimes, formal eulogies can feel stiff. If it helps, imagine you’re talking directly to your loved one:
“I still can’t believe you’re gone. I miss your laugh, the way you’d call me just to check in…”
This approach can make the words flow more naturally.
4. Incorporate Letters, Poems, or Quotes
If forming your own words is too hard, borrow others’. These can include:
A favourite poem or song lyric.
A passage from a book they loved.
A quote about grief or love.
This can help when your own voice feels shaky.
5. Accept That It’s OK to Be Imperfect
A eulogy doesn’t have to be eloquent, it just has to be heartfelt.
If you break down while speaking, that’s normal. If you keep it short, that’s fine. What matters is that you showed up.
Coping Before, During, and After the Eulogy
Before the Speech
Practice in a Safe Space – Read it aloud to a trusted friend or alone.
Have a Backup Plan – If you’re unsure about speaking, ask someone to step in if needed.
Use Grounding Techniques – Deep breathing or holding an object (like a photo or keepsake) can help manage anxiety.
During the Speech
Go Slow – Pause when needed.
Keep Water Nearby – It helps if your throat tightens.
Focus on One Person – If eye contact is hard, look at a supportive face in the crowd.
After the Speech
Allow Yourself to Rest – Emotional exhaustion is normal.
Seek Support – Talk to a grief counsellor or support group if the grief remains overwhelming.
Honour Your Loved One in Other Ways – This includes lighting a candle, visiting a meaningful place, or writing them a letter.
When to Seek Professional Help
If complex grief continues to disrupt your life long after the funeral, therapy can help.
Treatments like Complicated Grief Therapy (CGT) or trauma-informed counselling are designed to help process loss in a healthy way. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
The PostScript: Your Grief Is Part of Your Love
If you’re here, searching for guidance while submerged in grief, let me say this plainly...you are doing enough.
The fact that you are even considering writing a eulogy, amidst everything you're feeling, is remarkable. It speaks to your love, your courage and your desire to honour someone who mattered deeply.
You don’t need to write a masterpiece. You don’t need to be composed. You just need to speak the truth of your love and loss, however messy, quiet, or imperfect that truth may be.
In doing so, you may find that writing a eulogy doesn’t just honour the person who died, it begins, gently, to tend to the one who is still here. You.
At the end of the day, writing a eulogy while experiencing complex grief is one of the hardest things you may ever do. But remember: your pain reflects your love. The fact that this is so difficult only shows how much they meant to you.
There’s no timeline for grief. Whether you speak through tears, keep it brief, or even choose not to speak at all, your way is the right way.
Honour your loved one. Honour your grief and most of all, be gentle with yourself.
Thank you for reading my blog, I do appreciate it. Have you had any experience of complex grief or prolonged grief disorder? How did you manage? Do you have any help and advice to offer my community? Let me know in the comments below.
If you are struggling with prolonged grief, consider reaching out to a mental health professional or a grief support group. In the UK, you can contact Cruse Bereavement Support, your GP, or a grief counsellor for professional guidance. You don’t have to do this alone.
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