How To Write A Eulogy For A Difficult Person

Writing a eulogy is never easy, trust me, I do it for a living, but writing one for someone who was difficult, complicated, or demanding in life can feel uniquely overwhelming.

You may be wrestling with mixed emotions. You might feel love, loyalty, guilt, relief, frustration, sadness, or all of them at the same time. Perhaps the person who died was single-minded to a fault, quick-tempered, impatient, stubborn, or simply someone who was hard work. And yet, in their own way, they were still loved. They shaped your life, even if they sometimes made it harder in the process.

So when the request comes in, “Will you say a few words?”, it's often one of the most emotionally complex a person can face.

Of course, when the person who has died was kind, generous, and beloved, the task, while painful, is fairly straightforward. You are a vessel for the collective love and grief in the room. But what happens when the person was a bit more... difficult?

What if the memories of them are a tangled knot of love, resentment, frustration and obligation? How do you honour a life that was marked by those traits I just mentioned, or just a general hardness that made them challenging to love?

When it comes to writing their eulogy, and I've wrote many that fit this mould, it requires honesty, compassion and a deep understanding of what a eulogy is truly for.

Remember that a eulogy is not a final judgment. I don't believe it should be an airbrushed obituary, nor a place for a long-suppressed reckoning. The best eulogies are a farewell. That's how I approach every one I write.

At the end of the day, its purpose is to acknowledge a life lived, to offer comfort to the living, and to find, amidst the complexity, a thread of truth that can bring a measure of peace.

If you are facing this task, know that your conflicted feelings are perfectly valid. With that in mind, I wanted to put together a guide to help you navigate the process of writing a eulogy for a difficult person.

Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash

If You Need To Write A Eulogy For A Difficult Person, Here's How!

So how do you honour someone honestly without causing hurt or glossing over the truth? How do you acknowledge the complexities of who they were while offering comfort to those gathered to say goodbye? Let's take a look at my own 4-step process, starting with....

Step 1: Grant Yourself Permission for Complex Grief

Before you write a single word, you must first tend to your own heart and mind.

Grieving a difficult person is not like the grief you see in movies. It’s messy. You may feel sadness, but also relief. You might feel guilt for not being more upset, or anger that they left with so much unresolved.

It's time to acknowledge the full spectrum of emotions you'll go through. It’s OK if those feelings aren’t tidy or something you’d want to read aloud. You don’t have to turn every emotion into something poetic; you just need to understand what you’re carrying.

Did this person frustrate you? Intimidate you? Exhaust you? Did they also, in their own way, teach you something? Did they show love imperfectly but sincerely? Even the most challenging people tend to have moments, probably fleeting but real, that reveal their humanity.

Understanding your own emotional landscape won’t make the eulogy negative; it simply helps you write from an authentic place and, trust me, authentic eulogies are always more meaningful than polished but empty ones.

Give yourself permission to feel all of it without judgment. Your grief is not invalid because it’s mixed with resentment. In fact, this complex grief is a testament to the fact that you cared enough to be hurt, to be frustrated, and to still love them in your own way.

Remember that your goal is not to canonise a saint. Your goal is to be authentically compassionate. This doesn’t mean pretending their flaws didn’t exist. It means acknowledging the shared humanity in their struggles and in your own.

You are there to speak a difficult truth with kindness, both for them and for everyone in the room who shared your experience.

Step 2: Find the Core Truth

Every difficult person was, at their core, a human being with a story so your task is to find the flicker of light, however faint, that explains why they were still part of your life.

Once you have this, it becomes the central theme of your eulogy. Ask yourself these questions:

• What did they teach me? Often, difficult people teach us patience, resilience, and the importance of setting boundaries. You could say, “He was a man of unwavering opinions, and from him, I learned the value of independent thought and the courage to stand up for my own.”

• What did they love? Perhaps they had a soft spot for animals, a passion for a specific hobby, or a deep, if poorly expressed, pride in their family. Focusing on what brought them genuine joy can be a powerful tribute. “While she could be impatient with people, her patience with her rose garden was endless. Each bloom was a testament to the gentle care she was capable of.”

• What was their struggle? Were they shaped by a hard childhood, a past trauma, chronic pain, or an undiagnosed medical condition? This is not about making excuses, but about offering context.“His temper was quick, but those of us who knew him well understood it was often the overflow of a deep-seated anxiety and a relentless drive to provide, a pressure he never learned to release gracefully.”

• What is the single positive character trait at the root of their difficulty? You can highlight this by reframing their flaws.

  • Stubbornness can be determination.

  • Single-mindedness can be passion, focus or resilience.

  • Short-tempered can stem from a desire for things to be right or maybe a fierce sense of justice.

  • Critical can come from high standards.

  • Blunt or tactless can stem from honesty - granted sometimes too much honesty - but honesty nonetheless.

  • Independent to the point of isolation often reveals someone who didn’t want to burden others.

  • Impatient may indicate someone who valued time and hated waste.

  • Hard to please sometimes reflects high standards or a deep desire for things to be “just right.”

This core truth, this “loved in their own way” idea, can be your anchor. It will prevent the eulogy from becoming either a hollow fairytale or a list of grievances.

It's also worth remembering, most difficult people don’t want to be difficult. Their behaviour is often a consequence of other things like:

• Their own upbringing / difficult childhood.

• Their fears

• Their insecurities

• Their need for control

• Their desire to protect those they love

• Past traumas, disappointments, or losses

• A personality that simply clashed with others’

You don’t have to psychoanalyse the person, but acknowledging that they had their own struggles can bring a gentle layer of compassion to the eulogy.

Compassion is not the same as excusing behaviour, it simply allows space for complexity.

Step 3: Structure Your Eulogy with Compassion and Honesty

A well-structured eulogy will guide both you and the listeners through this emotional terrain. I break it down into four parts; the opening, the core theme of the eulogy, what I call 'reframing' and finally the core legacy and/or lesson. So let's look at them in more detail.

a. The Acknowledgment of Complexity (The Opening)

Start by gently acknowledging the truth of the situation. You don’t need to be blunt, but you can set a tone of compassionate realism. You could start with something like:

“Writing a eulogy for [Name] has been a challenge, not because there wasn’t love, but because our relationship, like many in his/her life, was complex. It’s a reminder that every human life is a mixture of light and shadow.”

or

“We are here today to remember [Name], a man who was, in equal measure, fiercely loving and fiercely challenging. To speak about him is to speak about a person who defied simple description.”

b. The Anchoring Positive (The Core Theme)

After the opening, state your core truth clearly. This is the “loved in their own way” statement we touched upon earlier, that will serve as the foundation of your eulogy. This could be:

“But beneath that tough exterior was a loyalty that never wavered. If you were in his circle, he would move mountains for you, even if he complained the entire time.”

or

“What I will remember most, however, is her (or his) incredible strength. The same force that could make her so difficult was also the force that allowed her to overcome incredible adversity in her life.”

If you're struggling to find this theme, remember that even for the most difficult person, there are usually moments, albeit tiny, imperfect, but still very real moments, that offer warmth to help you find this theme.

Maybe it was:

• The way they made a terrible cup of tea but insisted on making one anyway

• Their unexpected acts of generosity.

• Their loyalty to routines.

• Their rare but sincere praise.

• Their weird hobbies.

• Their dry or unintentional humour.

• Their love of certain foods, places, or rituals.

• Their fiercely protective streak.

  
  

These details bring colour and humanity to the portrait you’re painting. They help people remember not just how the person behaved, but who they were.

c. The “Reframed” Anecdote

Now you're into it, share one or two brief, honest stories. Don’t tell a story that is outright negative, but you can choose one that illustrates their difficult nature while also highlighting the positive trait you’ve identified.

• Instead of: “He was so impatient, he’d yell if dinner was five minutes late.”. Reframe it as “He had a… low tolerance for delay. I’ll never forget the time my mum was late with a Christmas dinner. The tension in the room was palpable. But when we finally sat down to eat, the first thing he did was raise his glass and say, "It’s about time", with a wry smile that let us all breathe again. In that moment, we saw that his impatience came from a place of wanting to be together, to celebrate, to not waste a single moment of the time we had.”

This approach tells the truth without being cruel. It acknowledges the behaviour while interpreting it through a compassionate lens.

d. The Legacy and The Lesson

Conclude by focusing on the living. What is the legacy this complex person has left? It might not be a legacy of pure warmth, but perhaps one of strength, resilience, or a clear lesson on the importance of kindness.

“[Name]’s life teaches us that people are not easy. They are complicated and loving them isn’t about ignoring the hard parts, but about choosing to see the whole person, and finding a way to care for them nonetheless.”

or

“He was a difficult friend, but a true one. He has left a uniquely shaped hole in our lives, and we will navigate the world without his formidable, frustrating, and ultimately cherished presence.”

Step 4: What to Avoid

Finally, it's time to understand that navigating this terrain requires a careful filter. When in doubt, I'd always recommend you err on the side of compassion.

• Avoid the Airbrush - Don’t say they were “always joyful” if they were perpetually sour. People in the room will know it’s a lie, and it will ring hollow.

• Avoid the Public Reckoning - Trust me, this is not the time to “finally tell the truth” about past hurts, air dirty laundry, or settle scores. Phrases like “abusive”, “narcissistic”, or “cruel” have no place in a eulogy. Your goal is healing, not hurting.

• Avoid “I Can’t Think of Anything Nice to Say” - If you are truly stuck, focus on the facts of their life; their birthplace, their career, their hobbies and the impersonal positive traits that must have been there. “He was a hard worker” or “She was fiercely independent" or even “He loved his dog.” Sometimes, simplicity is the most honest tribute.

• Avoid Blame and Accusation - Frame their difficulties as struggles or traits, not as targeted attacks. Say “he struggled with anger” rather than “he made everyone’s life miserable”.

Consider the Audience

Photo by LARAM on Unsplash

When writing the eulogy, remember that people in the audience may have experienced a different version of the person than you did.

A difficult sibling might have been a patient grandparent. A demanding boss might have been a loyal friend. A stubborn parent might have been a generous neighbour.

Your job isn’t to challenge other people’s memories, it’s to contribute your perspective in a way that sits respectfully alongside theirs.

To help reframe it, ask yourself:

• What would their spouse or children need to hear right now?

• What memories will bring comfort rather than conflict?

• What parts of their personality were universally recognised?

• What shared experiences can act as common ground?

Remember, a eulogy should bring the room together, not divide it.

A Note for Specific Relationships

Finally, let me just give you a little advice for some specific circumstances.

• If You Are an Adult Child Eulogising a Difficult Parent

  • Your primary conflict may be between a child’s innate love and an adult’s understanding of their parent’s flaws. Focus on the small moments of goodness, the lessons they taught you (even by negative example), and the simple fact that they gave you life. It is OK to say, “Our relationship was complicated, but she was my mother [or father], and I loved her.”

• If You Are a Friend Eulogising a Difficult Friend

  • You likely saw a side of them others didn’t. Speak to that. “To the world, he could be a bulldozer. But to me, in our private conversations, he was a confidant who offered unwavering, if brutally honest, advice.”

The PostScript - Be Kind to Yourself

Writing this eulogy will be emotionally draining, there's no denying that. Once complete, have a trusted friend read it over. Practice it aloud. When you deliver it, speak slowly.

As I've already talked about, it’s OK to be emotional; it’s perfectly fine to pause. You are performing an act of profound grace, offering words of peace for a life that was often anything but.

In doing so, you are not just honouring their memory; you are honouring your own capacity for compassion and forgiveness which, in itself, is a beautiful tribute but writing a eulogy for a difficult person is an emotional balancing act.

You may feel conflicted. You may feel guilty for not feeling more. You may feel uncertain about what to say or how to say it.

If you do, remember a good eulogy isn’t about smoothing the rough edges. It’s about recognising the full story of a person’s life, including the contradictions, the imperfections, and the small, meaningful moments that made them human.

If all you can offer is honesty, compassion, and a willingness to see both the struggle and the love, trust me, that is enough. That is actually more than enough.

You don’t have to rewrite the past, you just need to honour the truth.

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Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I hope you enjoyed it or, at the very least, it helps you with your own eulogy for that difficult person in your life. These are just my thoughts, but I'd love to know yours. If this is a situation you've experienced, how did you do it? Did you utilise any of these ideas or did you have any of your own you'd like to share? Let me know in the comments below.

If you need any help in writing a eulogy for a loved one who's passed and it's too hard for you, I'd be honoured to help. Whether you need it writing from scratch, or just a professional polish for a eulogy you've already written, I'm here. Just get in touch and let's have a conversation. I look forward to hearing from you.