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Write a Eulogy for Someone You Didn’t Know Well: Finding the Right Words

Writer's picture: Gary MichaelsGary Michaels

I'm sure you will agree that writing a eulogy is one of the most personal and delicate tasks one can be asked to perform. As a professional eulogy writer, it's an honour I never take for granted.


For all the different ways there are to write one, a eulogy, at it's core, is a way of paying tribute to someone’s life, capturing their essence, and offering comfort to those who are grieving.

Two people sitting on benches set apart.

How To Write A Eulogy For Someone You Didn’t Know Very Well

Obviously when I'm commissioned to write a eulogy I don't know the person I write it for at all, which is why I ask for as much information from their family and friends as possible so I can create a well-rounded piece.


But what if you’ve been asked to write a eulogy for someone you didn’t know very well and that all information isn't as readily available?


Perhaps they were a distant relative, someone you lost touch with over the years, maybe they were just a friend of a friend, or a colleague you interacted with only occasionally.


In such cases, and however writing duties have landed on your doorstep, the task can seem especially daunting.


However, with some thoughtful preparation, research and empathy, you can still craft a eulogy that honours their memory and resonates with those who loved them.


Understanding the Purpose of a Eulogy

Before diving into the process, I think it’s important to understand the purpose of a eulogy, what it is and what it isn't!


For me at least, a eulogy is not a biography or a list of accomplishments. It’s a personal reflection on the person’s life, their character and the impact they had on the world and those around them.


It’s a way of saying goodbye and celebrating the unique qualities that made them who they were.


When you don’t know the person well, your role as a eulogy writer is to act as a representative of their community, conveying the collective sense of loss and remembrance.


Step 1: Information Gathering

The first step in writing a eulogy for someone you didn’t know well (or anyone at all) is to gather as much information as you can.


Whilst you may not have known them too well, no doubt others will have stories. Collating these this will help you build a fuller picture of the person’s life and character.


Talk to Family and Friends

Reach out to close family members and friends. Ask them to share stories, memories and thoughts about the deceased.

  • What were their passions?

  • What values did they hold dear?

  • What was their personality like?


Listen for anecdotes that illustrate their character and relationships. This information will form the backbone of your eulogy.


Look at Social Media and Online Tributes

If appropriate, you can also look at social media profiles or online tributes. Often, people share memories and reflections online that they may not share in person and these can give you a sense of the person’s impact and how they were perceived by others.


Pay attention to common themes in these tributes, as they can help guide the tone of your eulogy.


Review Personal Writings or Creative Works

If the person left behind any personal writings, art, or other creative works, these can provide insight into their thoughts, feelings and personality. Even something as simple as a favourite quote or song can be meaningful.


Step 2: Find a Theme

I believe that a good eulogy often has a central theme or thread that ties everything together, rather than it just being a list of facts.


This theme can be based on a defining characteristic of the person or an aspect of their life that was particularly meaningful.


Focus on a Defining Quality

If the person was known for their kindness, their humour, generosity or resilience, you can make this quality the focal point of your eulogy.


Share stories and examples that illustrate this trait and how it influenced their relationships and actions.


Highlight a Passion or Interest

If the person was passionate about a hobby, a cause or profession, this can also serve as a theme.


For example, if they were an avid gardener, you might talk about how they nurtured not only plants but also the people around them, helping them grow and flourish.


Consider the Role They Played in the Lives of Others

Sometimes, the best theme is found in the roles they played - parent, sibling, mentor, friend, colleague or team mate, etc.


Consider how they made people feel and what they meant to those around them.


This can be especially poignant if you didn’t know the person well, as it allows you to speak on behalf of those who did.


Step 3: Structure Your Eulogy

A well-structured eulogy typically includes an introduction, the body of the piece and a well-considered conclusion.


Especially during the planning process, this structure helps you organise your thoughts and ensures that your eulogy flows naturally.


Introduction

Start by acknowledging the difficulty of the moment and expressing your condolences to the family / friends.


It’s also a good idea to briefly mention your relationship to the deceased and acknowledge that you may not have known them well.


This sets the stage for why you’re speaking and shows humility and respect. For example, you could start with

“Good afternoon. My name is [Your Name], and while I did not have the privilege of knowing [Deceased’s Name] closely, I am honoured to share some words on behalf of those who did.”

Body

The body of your eulogy is where you share stories, reflections and insights based on the information you’ve gathered.


Organise your thoughts around the theme you’ve chosen.


If you’ve decided to focus on their kindness, for example, you might start with a story shared by a friend about a time they went out of their way to help someone.


Follow this with another example, perhaps from a family member who experienced their generosity firsthand.


Use Quotes or Poetry

If you’re struggling to find your own words, it’s perfectly fine to incorporate quotes, poetry, or even song lyrics that resonate with the person’s life or the emotions of the moment.


Just ensure that whatever you choose is appropriate and meaningful. If you're interested, I have a whole blog just one that topic linked here.


Conclusion

In your conclusion, summarise the main points of your eulogy and offer some final thoughts.


Express your hope that the person’s memory will live on in the hearts of those who loved them.


It’s also a good place to offer comfort, acknowledging the pain of loss while celebrating the joy the person brought into the world.


You could say something like"

“Although I did not know [Deceased’s Name] as well as many of you here today, I can see from your stories and from the love that surrounds us that they were a truly remarkable person. Their legacy will live on in the kindness they showed, the love they gave, and the memories they leave behind.”

Step 4: Write and Revise

Once you have a structure and theme, begin writing your eulogy. Don’t worry about getting it perfect on the first try.


Start by getting your thoughts down, then go back and revise for clarity, tone and impact.


Keep it Concise

A typical eulogy is about five to ten minutes long, which translates to roughly 500 to 1,000 words.


While it’s tempting to include everything you’ve learned, try to focus on the most meaningful stories and insights.


Be Authentic

You don’t need to use flowery language or grand gestures. Speak from the heart, even if your words are simple.


Authenticity is more powerful than eloquence in moments like these.


Practice

Delivering a eulogy is difficult with all the emotions of the day so take time read your eulogy out loud a few times beforehand to get a sense of the flow and to become comfortable with the material.


This will also help you identify any awkward phrasing or areas that need further refinement.


Step 5: Delivering the Eulogy

As I've just touched on, delivering a eulogy can be an emotional experience, especially if you feel unprepared or anxious.


Here are some tips to help you deliver your eulogy with grace and confidence.


Take Your Time

Speak slowly and clearly. It’s okay to pause if you need a moment to collect yourself.


Remember, this is a space for reflection and remembrance, not a performance.


Make Eye Contact

If you feel comfortable, make eye contact with the audience. This helps to create a sense of connection and empathy, even if you didn’t know the person well.

Neon sign saying “Please Smile At Strangers”

Have a Backup

Bring a printed copy of your eulogy, and consider having someone else on standby to take over if you find yourself too emotional to continue.


It’s perfectly okay to need support in such a moment.


The Final Word

Writing a eulogy for someone you didn’t know well is undoubtedly challenging, but it’s also an opportunity to contribute to their legacy and provide comfort to those who did know and love them.


By gathering information, finding a meaningful theme and speaking from the heart, you can craft a eulogy that honours their memory and resonates with the audience.


Remember, the most important thing is not how well you knew the person, but the sincerity and respect with which you remember them.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post, I do appreciate you visiting my site. I hope it’s helped you and if so, I’d love to know your thoughts. Have you found yourself writing a eulogy for someone you didn’t know too well? How did you approach it? What techniques did you use to compose it? Have any of these ideas worked for you? Let me know in the comments below.


Of course if you need a eulogy writing, then I would be honoured to help you. Take a look at my site, whether the eulogy needs writing from scratch or you just need one editing, I can help. Just get in touch and let’s have a chat.


Main blog photo courtesy of Deva Darshan on Unsplash

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